Ideal Glyph

Cleanse-Jan 24 2011

2011-01-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

So I am on day 1 of 5 days that I cannot eat, which is part of this cleanse I have committed to doing. I am feeling very good about it, believe it or not. So much has happend in the past 72 hours, that I feel this is the best way to document it and get you all up to speed.

I decided a couple of months ago, that on the 20th of January that I would begin this cleanse, where you gradually eat healthier and less and less until you get to where you don't eat anything for 5 days, but you do take these herbs mixed with organic apple juice every 3 hours...so wed night, Bynum took me out to dinner for one final hoorah...I had decided that no matter what happend, I wasn't going to let a fight ensue...because that is usually what happens when we both have alcohol..and would you believe, that even though he tried to pick a few fights, I didn't let it happen, and I made sure we got home safely..drank water and went to bed, even though I had the next 2 days off....

The problem is, even though I had the next 2 days off, there was a bakery meeting a from 7-8 in the morning, and I didn't wake up until 8...oooops...so I called, and to make a very long story short, I realized, I was probably getting fired...because I had been put on my "Final" some time back during the holidays...anyways, it's stupid...but I knew the rules and I broke them anyway.

So I went to work saturday morning and worked as usual, sort of hoping I wouldn't get fired, but knowing that I most likely was, and come 1pm...well, I did. I was sad that I wouldn't be seeing the people I like and work with as often, but strangely, I was relieved.

I have been trying to think about what I want to do, as a career, when I grow up, and even though I am not 100% sure, I think that I want to be a wedding/event planner and the company I want to work for is... http://www.taraguerardsoiree.com/gallery/ They only take 10-12 events a year, but as you can see, they are all top dollar, and done very well, and on top of all of that, they have a New York office. I believe I would be very good at this. I believe I would enjoy it. and I believe, I could make a good bit more money doing it...which will allow me to travel. Which is ultimately what I want to do. So, let me know what you think. Just give me a few days... because the other part of my big news is that, Bynum and I are no longer together either. I have told him we could be friends, and that is about all I can offer right now. Yes, we got into and argument saturday night...but that isn't what did it...what did it was me realizing after yoga, and watching the movie "What the Bleep do we know" at the yoga studio, and then him not calling when he got off of work to see how I was doing or anything,...and then me calling him around 11 to see if all was okay only to realize he was about 3-4 beers in the wind...well, it hit me...I was wasting my time. He isn't a bad a person, but just like I did when Marty and I dated the first time...he is making unhealthy choices... I know because there was a time I would have much rather had wine and smoky treat than to be with Marty...and well, as heartbreaking as it is...I know that the only thing I can "control" for lack of a better term right now is me...so, we talked this morning, and we will be friends. I told him who knows what can happen in the future, and that is true. I do love him very much, but we haven't been good for one another. So this is my solution. I have decided that I don't need to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now because it is only going to distract me from what I want to do...so a year sounds like a good start.

So to wrap it all up;I don' t have a job or boyfriend...but I do have my health and all of you...I still have my yoga, and strangely, I feel more sane and at home with myself than I have in years...I am actually doing really well. Just give me a few days to get through this more challenging part of the cleanse and I would love to talk with all of you, but right now...I am just deep cleaning...my house and myself.

Also, the other thing I have thought about doing until I can convince Soiree they need to hire me, is to get a job a Hominy Grill http://hominygrill.com/ It is in walking distance from my house...it is geared towards tourists, it's high volume, therefore has a high turnover rate, but they are not open late, they don't really serve alcohol and they make a ton of money, from what I understand...all of this sounds good to me.

I am sorry I have not been in better contact with all of you. I love you all very much, but I have just been trying to work all of this stuff out in my head...probably for the past couple months...and I think I am finally on a great path. I may need you all ot remind to stay strong from time to time...but I won't lean too much, I know you all have your own lives and things to deal with and I want to there for you as well. So lots of love, and we shall talk soon!

Dec 9-Visiting Yoga teacher

2010-12-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

I first want to apologize for dropping of the face of the blog for so long...and with some of you, the planet. As you all know, I have been dating Bynum for a little over 3 months now and well, it's been really good but we have had our rough patches too. To make a long story short, I have rediscovered the statement that "you have to be the change you wish to see in the world." And it is also not good to throw stones in a glass house...so basically the only thing I can control is how much good i take in and put out, and the same goes for, well lets just say unhealthy or non-supportive.

I can't say that I have been in the best place emotionally, which is why i have been so distant...i know you there to listen to me and help me out, but you also know how I am, and I like to try to get a handle on things myself before I start to share with everyone...i guess it is my way of protecting you from my negativity and also, protecting me from having to see myself in the mirror through you. And believe me, I know that your love for me is much kinder than I can be to myself at times, so I say that with love.

Needless to say, I have done well today...so Day 1 of taking back my life and going after the life I want to live, regardless of what that means with anything present in my life...I have to release the control...release the fear and push forward to the life that I want, and just let the cards fall as they may.

I will write more details later...but I just wanted to share that I realize I have been spiraling a little...and not necessarily in a direction that I want to go, but sometimes we have to keep doing it the wrong way, until the light bulb goes off in our head to start spiraling upward.

I love you all very much and I will talk with each of you soon.

Reiki

2010-08-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

I just had my very first Reiki session and all I can say is WHOA!!!!

I saw the life I have always wanted, like a movie projected in my mind...it wasn't linear, just bits and pieces...but it made my body tingle all over. I asked the practioner afterwards, if it was real...and she said, I don't know you tell me. And I started crying, and I said, I hope so....it's the life I want. So she asked why I wasn't living it, and I told her because I knew that It wouldn't go in line with the way everyone else lives and they would judge me and tell me that I wasn't strong enough, and I was afraid they may be right. She smiled, and grabbed my hand, and told me that I was strong enough.

She also said that there was a male pressence that was very repressive, and that it was very strong. I guess that could be true in any females life..but she did say that I was the one holding me back with it...that it was time to let it all go, that it was blocking my creative energy. I believe all of it.

So, quickly before I forget, the life that I saw. I was standing on the SE corner of Union Square, it was a beautiful spring day in New York. I could see it the way I have seen it so many times before. Another scene there was me pregnant...walking through Ami's Bite on 14th, and the baby is his. I am pretty sure we are married. He has already taken me to Isreal to meet his family and we don't live like everyone else...I don't know how, I just know it's different. I don't feel caged...or like I am caging him..so maybe we live seperately, I don't know...I don't know the details, I just know there is love, admiration, devotion, and kindness. I know that it is just what I have always wanted. And I also look more girly..my hair was longer, I was in alot of flowey (sp?) skirts...he was kissing me, that sweet way he always does.

I know it may sound crazy, but it's what I want. I have no idea if it will ever actully happen or how to even go about getting there, so I am just going to surrender to the universe, and let things go the way they are supposed to.

In the meantime, the other thing she said to do was to support my feminine energy more and to be softer to myself...to not always push so hard, to do more, be more, accomplish more....I could only laugh.

Where I am today

2010-08-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

There isn't much more to add to this post. I have had a wonderful 33rd birthday and lots of things have surprised me both at work and in my personal life, even with just new friends...and old ones. But today I have been thinking, "What do I want my life to look like?" I have ad all of these possible opportunities thrown my way, and some I am not so sure about....and others I am pretty sure about. Then I went to yoga tonight, got home,was eating some fresh cherries and came across this...I think it sums it up.

August 9, 2010
Back in the Driver’s Seat
The Passenger

Too much on your daily plate lands you in the passenger seat when you should be in the driver’s seat.

It’s easy to go through this fast-paced world feeling as if you are being dragged through your weeks on the back of a wild horse. Many of us go from one thing to another until we end up back at home in the evening with just enough time to wind down and go to sleep, waking up the next morning to begin the wild ride once more. While this can be exhilarating for certain periods of time, a life lived entirely in this fashion can be exhausting, and more important, it places us in the passenger’s seat when really we are the ones who should be driving.

When we get caught up in our packed schedule and our many obligations, weeks can go by without us doing one spontaneous thing or taking time to look at the bigger picture of our lives. Without these breaks, we run the risk of going through our precious days on a runaway train. Taking time to view the bigger picture, asking ourselves if we are happy with the course we are on and making adjustments, puts us back in the driver’s seat where we belong. When we take responsibility for charting our own course in life, we may well go in an entirely different direction from the one laid out for us by society and familial expectations. This can be uncomfortable in the short term, but in the long term it is much worse to imagine living this precious life without ever taking the wheel and navigating our own course.

Of course, time spent examining the big picture could lead us to see that we are happy with the road we are on, but we would like more time with family or more free time to do whatever we want at the moment. Even if we want more extreme changes, the way to begin is to get off the road for long enough to catch our breath and remember who we are and what we truly want. Once we do that, we can take the wheel with confidence, driving the speed we want to go in the direction that is right for us.

Inception

2010-07-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

What an amazing movie....i just watched it with my friend from work at the $5 movies that she loves on tuesday night....and all I can say is WOW! It has my head turning....in reference to what has been happening to me lately, on the inside.

I have been on this journey, towards myself...reading and trying to immerse myself in yoga and "my stuff" trying to understand me, and how I see myself, and how the world sees me and I realize that they do not always coincide. I don't know if I will be able to write any of this where it will make sense to anyone else but me, but i feel as though I have to get some of it out.

So there has been this issue with work, or better yet, I should say issues...it seems that the morning crew has been talking alot about me, and who they think I am, and where I fit into their bakery world....and this i know is on a small scale, but it affects me, at least internally. Because I realize that I go into work everyday and for the most part I work my butt off, trying to get as much production done as possible, be as kind to customers as I can, all the while watching what happens to me in a day and trying to remember that all of the things that do happen come from this place of seeds that I have previously planted....therefore the only way to stop the cycle, is if I change....So where must I change? Internally of course...sounds so much easier than doing sometimes, in the moment.

It seems that some people think I am too good of friends with my boss, which is funny, because we have only hung out once outside of work....but we do get along really well at work, and when there has ever been an issue, I have gone to her, mainly to keep her up to date with what I have said and done, so that she knows what is going on when she isn't around, and so that way whenever she hears something, say from someone else, she will know that what I said or did came from a place of compassion or maybe it was selfish....maybe i just wanted her to see my side. I don't really feel that is the case, but it could be a possibility. I mean if there is truly 3 sides to every story, yours,mine, and the truth...then as I was told, that must mean that I believe in absolute truth...and I don't know if even that is the case, other than I am now starting to believe that maybe the situation is neutral and i make it one thing from my side, and someone else makes it another thing from their side, and those two perceptions are very different...so where does the truth lie? And why do I care so much...about the truth? Or is it that I care about being right? Is it my ego rearing up it's nasty little head?

All that i know is that it hurts...it hurts to see people twist things to make them into something that I never said or meant...but haven't I done that to others? The answer is yes, I have. I can most recently remember feeling that way towards Marty, and I am sure he was as dumbfounded then, as I am now...so isn't that just the seeds I planted, showing back up? I mean, we do this all day long, without even realizing it. Our preconceived notions of ourselves and others, dictate how we view a moment in time, or another human being, or an exchange with someone, or just an occurrence that happens...We, or maybe I should just say I, are so quick to judge, and jump to a conclusion or to feel a certain way about things, make an assumption, hasty judgment, and then act or react off of that.....which could be the worst thing to do. So much talking and not enough listening, or understanding.

I think at this point I need to give myself and others a break for not understanding everything...and even if I understand something in theory, believe it to be true, but I simply haven't mastered using that train of thinking on a daily basis, or even a moment to moment basis...I need to be more forgiving to myself and to others...because this standard in which I hold myself to, basically will set me up for failure...and then the guilt comes in...and the guilt is unnecessary and it only plants more negative seeds...so if I know all of this, then I can stop it.

I mean, who do I think I am anyway? Even the Dalai Lama knows it takes lifetimes of practice...why do I think I can get it all in a day, or a week, or a month? Why do I feel as if there isn't enough time for me to do and accomplish all that I want to? Why do I think I should be so much farther along, than I am? Farther where? to what? Closer to what thing or purpose?

I have been so focused on me, that I have disconnected myself from how what I say and do is affecting others and myself in these ways...I am not even going to say positive or negative...it's just cause and effect. And now, I know, that I cannot make everyone happy, even though I want to...or should I say, that is my old programming...But i still have to remember the human aspect of these things...that we do affect people, whether we like it or not, constantly...and whereas we cannot control the outcome...we can make a conscious effort to be more real and honest with ourselves, and then hopefully that will make me speak my truth, calmly, instead of in haste, or defense of our own ego or whatever....

I do not have it all figured out,by no means...but I am realizing that parts of me are getting things, even if it is in the subconscious, and that will eventually roll over into my conscious life, if i am just patient and kind with myself.....and also with others.

So I have to face me...and all of my flaws, and still somehow love me where I am now...which is lost, and a little scared, and a bit lonely. And I know that I can't grasp for love or acceptance or even kindness...I just have to give, and have faith, and know that all is coming..... And that is all largely dependent upon my perception, of MY reality...and no one elses...It's like Rudyard Kiplings "IF."

So that is all I have for now. I just have to let go...let go of it all.....like this morning in yoga, just jump forward and don't tell myself that I couldn't do it yesterday, because I may be able to do it today, and even if I can't, it doesn't mean I failed....each moment is another opportunity to breathe and try again, maybe this time, without fear or judgement.

2 things before work...

2010-07-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

1. I HIGHLY recommend that EVERYONE read "How Yoga Works" even if you never wanted to do the physical practice...it is such an amazing book. I have been savoring it for some time now....and now it is about time to move on to another, which I have many to read...but i want to go back through it at some point and make "notes" for myself. It's wild to feel love from a book, but I do.

2. I read this last night when I go home from work, and I thought it is something that I should keep in mind. I don't know about anyone else, but I do know that at times, I get attached to what I think the outcome should be of a certain situation, or what I think someone should do, and it made me realize, that it is foolish of me to think that I know...instead of understanding that "it" is what it is, from it's own side. The situation is actually neutral and I make it into what I think it is...good or bad. It's wild when you can actually wrap your head around it..now i just have to work on remembering this from moment to moment.

July 19, 2010
Lessons of Reflection
Interfering

Each of us is on our own path and we all learn differently. Because of this it is important to not interfere with another’s path of growth.

When we care about people, we want to save them from pain by offering them the benefit of our experience. Sometimes we feel like we know what is best for them. Sometimes, like when their safety is involved, we need to step in, but those times are rare. More often we find ourselves becoming frustrated when our close friends or family members do not use our relationship insights or follow our dietary advice, and this is where we find our challenge. We may even find ourselves becoming angry when they choose another path. This strength of feeling is usually a sign that our motivations go beyond merely helping another to indicate that there is a lesson there for us.

First, we need to keep in mind that each of us is on our own path and that we all learn differently. When we trust the universe, we know that there is a higher power at work that knows what is best for our loved one. Since we do not want to deny them experiences of deep feeling that are essential steps in the growth of their spirit, we can instead offer them our counsel. After we have given our gift, it is time to release it, along with our expectations of them and their choices, with love.

Once that is done, we can remind ourselves that our relationships are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly in the reflection. That is why it is easier for us to see solutions to other people’s problems than to see answers for our own. We can also learn from these experiences when we ask ourselves if we ever do the same thing. Maybe we do not share experiences with relationships, but we do with our finances or our food choices. In being willing to look at ourselves and see why we are being irritated by what other people choose to do with their lives, we can be like an oyster and make irritations into pearls. With these pearls of wisdom, we learn to release the desire for control over others and instead enrich their lives as we enrich our own.

A day all to myself

2010-07-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

I decided to not make any appointments today, and make this a day all to myself. I got up to the sound of my roomie banging one of his girls, so I got up and got ready for yoga...I sent him a message saying "Hey Dirk, since you're up, want to move her car?" but he didin't get it, so I had to ask him on the way down...I think boys are just dense. Yoga was great, I am still working on the the letting go of things...letting go of the pain and resentment. Yesterday was a rough day, I was really bothered by the memory of when my brother and I got into an argument in Columbia and how my family handled it...or should i say, didn't handle it. I think that is something that bothers me so is this lack of recognition when something wrong happened, it was like no one wanted to look at it, face it, deal with it...it was just swept under the rug...and I have to figure out how to forgive completely for all of it, and move on.The book I have been reading, "How Yoga works" is really helping with that...it is helping me to understand the "Big picture" and even though I may not be able to put it all into practice 24/7...it is something that I can work on a little everyday and just gradually get better at.

So after yoga, I picked up some fruit and nuts from work and drove to Sullivan's. It looked like it was going to rain, but it held up for 4 beautiful hours....I was able to get some sun and read my book which was perfect. I also ended up meeting people from the Charleston Rugby team, as the day progressed they kept asking me to meet them out, and finally I just left...not mad or anything but just wanted to be on my own...Then I came home, showered and made some delicious spaghetti for jules and I tomorrow night after work, It's always better when it sits. I read some more of my book and then I got a phone call from Marty's friend Bulldog who was asking me questions about Hargray and how much it sold for back in 2007...it seems it may be selling again. I told him I wasn't sure, I guess it just bugs the shit out of me that he somehow thinks that's okay...just like Duke thought it was okay to be inappropriate, neither of which would have happened if Marty knew how to draw boundries with his friends....I mean, why does Bulldog have my number? And that's another subject, I know I am not practicing yoga very well when I say this, but I am fuming in reference to Marty....He hurt me the other night in a phone conversation, and we have been supposed to talk...he was coming up to Charleston in the morning for work, but they didn't book him enough clients so I got a text from him today saying such but nothing about "When would you like to talk?" or anything like that...just some surfacy hope you are doing well, this is what I have been doing, or not doing....I know it shouldn't but it PISSES ME OFF! I put so much fucking energy and love into him and that relationship and he acts as if everything should just always be okay and I should just fucking roll with whatever he throws or doesn't throw my way. This is my own stupid fault for letting him stay here when he came up. It's easy for him to walk away from me, this, all of it....and it just hasn't been that easy for me...and I try to do the friends thing, but even that is on his fucking terms. I know, we are supposed to be selfless creatures...and that is the point, but their is a fine line between being selfless and being a doormat....I feeling a bit more like the latter.

And I wonder, is this all about me??? Do I actually want too much from people? Do I hope for too much and then when it doesn't happen I am let down.? I just finished watching the movie "Leap Year" and as silly as it may sound, I want that. I want someone who gets me. Who inspires me, and yes, at times may infuriate me, but I am sure I will do the same to them but you keep moving in the same direction. You see that they give, so you give a little...you see that they need to overcome something, so you nudge them a little, they see that in you, so they nudge you...you see that they need space, so you give it too them, and so on, and so on....but I think that Marty never really wanted that with me...He wants to be with someone, yet he wants to be an island entire of itself. Doesn't work for me....and I guess that is all that matters, is what works for me...and he has to find what works for him, and it's not me. But does that mean there can't be a friendship? I don't know, I just know that i am not putting forth so much effort anymore. I actually could have made plans tonight and I didn't because I wanted to get up and go to breakfast with him and i understand, things change...but a phone call is too much to ask....he had to do ebay today.... I won't be doing that anymore. One day I will learn.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between

holding a hand and changing a soul And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and  company doesnt mean security And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contacts and presents arent promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with grace of an adult not grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of walking away from you. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if  you get too much So plant your own garden and decorate your own  soul, instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers..

And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong          and that you really do have worth And you learn and learn with every good-bye you learn. "

I like the version Kerilyn gave me years ago better, but that's pretty close.  So it's 11:30 on a

saturday night...it's raining here, it sounds beautiful. I am sad, for all the reasons I have listed,

and probably a few more that i can't think of right now...but i am going to keep getting up, and doing

better each day...having faith that everything is going to work out. This hole in my heart is going to

mend a little each day...I will be able to forgive all of those who have hurt me, and I will ask

forgiveness for all for all of those I have hurt, but most importantly, I am going to forgive myself, for

everything I have done wrong up to this very moment and I will add to that, that I will stop judging

myself for not having it all figured out, for not having all of the answers and for not, always doing the

"right thing" or "everything right" I am LETTING GO!!  I will keep saying the serenity prayer until it

sticks in every part of my being.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the

things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I will close in saying...i know I am overly emotional right now..

doing all of this yoga is really "knocking on my pipes" so to speak, so

I am probably being a little harsh, but that is where I am right now.

I write it here, to get it out, not to lash out at Marty or anyone else.

It is my intention that this safe place will keep me from doing just that.

Hump Day

2010-07-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

It has been a very productive and interesting day. I have done a couple of Honeydew jobs, attended a meeting at Whole Foods, had a great lunch with a friend, and my favorite dessert at Sugar bakeshop (red velvet cupcake) and I will just pause here to say...I work in a bakery and I don't ever eat any of it...really, I hand out hundreds of sweet crap every day and I don't ever want it...unless it's girl time, then one chocolate covered cheesecake bite would do me...but I literally LOVE those damn red velvet cupcakes. They are absolute perfection. There is really nothing more I can add to that..

Then I did some house stuff, made some appointments for dentists, doctors, etc...and signed myself up for this wellness package. It's going to be my birthday gift to myself...and I have until december to pay it off, with no interst...which is nice. Then I decided to drop by this place I have never been into, O' Ku to see a friend and since I had the time I ended up ordering one sushi roll and ate that with some water at the bar. Then I went to meet the JPM and the ladies at Watersedge which is on Shem Creek, but I had never been there...we had mussels, which was good, but half way through, the texture always gets to me...it's weird. Then I met Kate at McCrady's..which was sad, because Andre is no longer there as of today...and well, it just doesn't feel the same without him. Of course Clint wanted to know what I had said to him about the whole fiasco about when Kate was there last time...and he could tell that I was getting a little peaved, because I told him, it was not my intention to get anyone into trouble, the only reason I had said anything was to get Andre to do something nice for her, since her last experience was so horrible and she wouldn't trash talk McCrady's at Hall's...So then he offered to buy me a drink and gave me a hug, and I told him that i was fine and I appreciated it, and he insisted again, so I told him that i wasn't drinking this month, but I would take a glass of water. I ended up ordering the Yuzu lemon curd desserts....yummmm.....Oh shit, that's 2 desserts today...wow, I must be starting soon...anyway...I had a wonderful evening...truly. I mean, I must say, I was worried people would be weird about it...but they are not. I mean, they may be once I walk away, but who cares. I had fun, and I am still going to get up for yoga in the morning...woo hoo. I will say, I did not make it today...I allowed myself to sleep in guilt free until 9:30..which I woke up a few times from 7 on...but I was in bed by 11 last night and my body was just exhausted, I know I needed it.

So anyway, that is where I am. I have discovered it IS possible for me to go out in Charleston, spend less than $50 dollars, and not drink. I know that statement may sound absurd...but for me, the idea of doing what I did tonight is what was absurd before...so I am changing my perspective on many things. :- ) And it feels really good, to just take care of me...and not feel guilty about any of it. I guess I am getting over that hump....and it's definitely overdue!

Going back to move forward...

2010-07-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

So this is the focus of the month in yoga...Forward bending. And to be able to do a forward bend that you benefit from the most, part of your body has to move back. So to go forward in life, you have to go back..to the source, to the root of the aversion, the problem, the issue,the pain, the sickness, etc....you have to be willing to face it, breathe in to it, until you don't want to run from it anymore...and this isn't to say that there are not exceptions, but just as I learned tonight, there is very little true pain, but there lies alot of aversions within us, things that are uncomfortable to feel, so we label it as pain, and push against it...we don't go there, it's too scary, too uncomfortable...too painful. So we create knots within ourselves...points of discomfort and over time, the become points of dis-ease, or more commonly known as disease.

So, I decided that I would give up smoking and wine for the month of july. For many reasons, mostly because I haven't been taking the best care of myself the past couple of months, I mean, it hasn't been horrible, but it hasn't been great either. The fact that I am not getting any younger, that I didn't get that position in the Customer Service dept, which made me realize that I really do want to be in Whole Body...I really DO want to help people become more educated in reference to their body, what they put on it, in it...and how the food industry has been pulling the wool over our eyes for over half a decade....and well, i don't want to get into the habit of saying, "I will start being healthier, monday." I have watched my mom and dad do that, and at this point I still have a little hope, but as my brother told me yesterday, that have become comfortable in the fact that they are not going to change, and I need to be too...so, it's true. I know they didn't plan on being in their 50's and being overweight, but the truth is, there isn't ever enough time, there won't ever be the right time...it's just the time you decided to get serious about it...the time when you have had enough of yourself and your own damn excuses...at least, this is the way that it is for me...I am sure it is different for other people, because we all feed off of our life experience. I find that we are all often saying very similar things, if we could only listen better. But that's another day.

So, i am not saying it has been completely easy at all. Last Friday night was so busy at work, and it had cooled off to like 85 outside, there was a nice breeze and all I wanted to do was come home, sit on my balcony and have a nice glass of wine and a smoke...even as I type it I can feel how good that feels...but I didn't do it then and I won't do it now. It also feels amazing to be able to breathe so deeply in yoga, so that is what I will keep doing.

So, back to this going back to go forward...yesterday was a most interesting day. I went to Beaufort to spend time with the family for moms birthday, which was really nice...and what made it even more interesting was that Bobby came over. And other then seeing him for an hour last september, I hadn't seen him in over 10 years. And we all sat around telling stories, and I was reminded of so much of my life that I had forgotten from back then...and I realized how far I had come in some ways, but how worse I had gotten in others. I mean, I have been reading my old journals from SCAD and on, and the on-going theme through out is that I haven't loved myself enough in the past...to stand up for what i want, to believe that it's okay to want what I want, to not accept less than what I want from life, jobs, family, friends, and most especially the people I have dated...seriously, it is heartbreaking. I have been a masochist in so many ways, and I have decided, no more. I am going to take advantage of this time in my life and really take care of me, instead of trying to run away from something, someone and run to something or someone else for fear of not being loved..because the truth is, I am the one who hasn't loved me enough, and as long as that holds true, I don't stand a chance in getting the relationship that I want to share with some amazing someone, someday. So I am going to practice patience, confidence, with humility, health, well being, and love, for myself first....and then others. I know it will be like learning to ride a bike without training wheels for the first time, but I did that too and I learned how to ride the bike. It's wild to feel so resolved in something, that I can believe in...because even though I have had my heart broken a little tonight, I know that I will be okay. I finally know that I am going to take care of me, and soothe that little broken hearted girl on the inside, instead of waiting on someone else to see and do it...I mean, that stuff only happens in the movies, right?

Let's hope not...but maybe my hero has some other amazing powers, i mean personality traits.

So that is all I have now. It's 10:40 and I am exhausted again. I hope I actually sleep well tonight.

And for the few of you who do read this..If I am short with you in anyway, I hope you know it is never my intention to harm you. All of this is just different and new for me, so I know that I will stumble and fall, but I will not in the same way that I have in the past, so that is progress... I may stumble, trying to break myself of old habits that do not work for me while trying to teach myself new ones that I feel would benefit me better. I hope you will try to understand, I know you will.

New Position

2010-06-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

So I am applying for this new position at Whole Foods. It is an Assistant Team Leader in the Customer Service Dept... I have to say, everyone in my dept. and in the CS department seems to be supportive, even the people that have been there and I will be "competing" against. What they say they are looking for is someone who is basically going to be the Mayor of Mt. Pleasant, someone who is going to "shake hands and kiss babies" I already do that, and as silly as it may sound, I feel like I have the job in the bag...now I don't know if that is necessarily true or not, but what this has done for me, is one, make me realize that I am not the kind of person to just sit back and let life happen...I have only been at WF for 2.5 months and already I am going after a ATL position...two, when I think about it, I realize, how truly qualified for the job that I am..I have been rehearsing what I will say in front of the "panel" because I hear the interview is intimidating...mainly because it is in front of 8-12 people shooting questions and scenarios at you and well, you have to be quick on your feet, which I am...the candidate also needs to be very people oriented, which I really am...and just thinking about all of it..even if I didn't get the job, I have been going over all of it in my head, and I realize, just how much I have done in just 32.5 years of my life....It is sort of amazing to me. I have always been managing people and situations...pretty much everyone I have ever worked for has always said that if I ever wanted to come back, the a job would be there for me...that's pretty amazing, considering. I also realize how that very same statement has affected me...because of the way that I will turn myself inside out for others and the situation...but in this case, it is almost like that wouldn't be an issue...I finally realize, it's just a job...a job that I will take pride in and always do very well, but isn't neccessary for me to go to the extremes that I have. My old friend Mary told me once, you could give just 50% of your normal, and that is still more than most peoples' 100%. I need to call and thank her and see how she is.

So I am excited about the prospects..I believe that Whole Foods will be the way that I transfer to NYC with a job, and if I am in a higher position here...it will make my chances of having a higher position there. So, I am working on this aspect of me getting there...and also, I believe I will be happier here, doing a job like that. I mean, I love the people I work with in the bakery..but it's alot of silly production, which I know makes the money, but i am busting my ass everynight...for cookies, bread, pastries, cakes, and rolls...all things that I really don't give two hoots about...but I do care about the customers and what they want, so I do it well.

On a side note I can say, I have been sort of bugged all day. Fortunately, no one has noticed. But I had a wonderful conversation with my Dani-girl last night, and she gave me some great advice on the roommate situation, in which I put into full effect, first thing this morning, and I am feeling good about it, Thank you, love.

The second reason I have been bugged was that I did not get up for yoga, which I don't understand why I can't seem to get my ass there, when I know how amazing it makes me feel, but I am trying to be patient and kind with myself and say, all is coming. I know that this morning, it is because I had this horrific dream...one that even as I am typing, the images flashing through my mind, makes me cringe....it was something straight out of Hostel...and i was stuck watching this kid, that I have never seen before, be brutalized in such a horrible way...I will leave out the details, but it has rocked me all day.

The third thing is...I have heard twice within the past week, that I either think that I am so "zen" or that others just aren't as "zen" as me... One, it hurts...it hurts because the people saying it, know me...or they should...they know I am not zen all of the time...but I am an eternal optimist. I have been down, for long periods of time and they don't remember, they can call Marty, because he saw the most of it...and I am grateful he was there for me...to be my soft place to land. xoy,*y.

With that being said...i know that I will forgive my friend for saying that...I know it is because of her own pain that she is pushing away what I have to say...I have been there, I have done that...so I get it. But at some point, we all have to face the fact, that we, our ownselves, are our own worst enemy...No one, not even life, is as horrible to you, as you will be to yourself...which is so surprising...and true. I am living proof of this. And I also know that I get that fact on some levels, yet, it isn't clicking in all cylinders, but I do believe it will someday, as long as I continue to get up and keep trying, even when I have lost the will.

With that being said, I will state again, I know I am not perfect. I do not do everything right, but I do try. And I keep trying to do the right thing, because I do believe that the seeds we plant today, good or bad, positive or not, is what I going to grow in our garden of life. And what I do to others, is going to come back to me...and if I have some unfortunate event happen to me, it is probably because i have done something similar to someone or life is trying to teach me something that I have needed to learn....to grow. I do not ask my friends to believe what I believe, but I do ask that it be respected, no matter how silly or mundane, or childlike, you may think it is....This is my life...my painted picture, my poem, my story and it gets to be whatever I want it to be...I have always been this child, this person, on the inside. I have been told more times that I can count by my dad, that I live in a fantasy world....he hasn't said this in years...but he was right, we all do...we all live in our own fantasy world...or hell, or whatever your world is to you.

My world here in Charleston is boring. I have my dream house and car...for all intensive purposes, in am in good health, and have friends here...but it doesn't speak to me the way NYC does...I have to work at being thrilled or fascinated by a day...or people, or situations...but I do it...because what is the alternative. Until I can get back home, this is where I live, so I must make the best of it....and I also have to accept for some people, this is their heaven...NYC would be their hell...and we all just see the world differently, and that's okay by me, it is what keeps this life interesting is that we are not all alike. I am not threatened by this difference, and I find it interesting that so many others are. Maybe because I have been different all of my life, yet I have had to be in disguise for so long, and I feel, that is so sad. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be perfectly me. Or, "The grandest version, of the greatest vision i ever had of myself."

It's all a work in progress...my life, and everyone else's. And I still believe Compassion is the best way to go...and even I don't always get that in the moment...but I keep searching for it, within myself.

Returning Home

2010-06-02T19:42:00.001-07:00

I should have known when the Michael Parks print that I owned, titled "Returning Home" broke at Penny Lane when I was packing to move back to SC that something was awry But being the stubborn person that I am....I always have to learn thing the hard way...I have just returned to Charleston from the most amazing visit in NYC....and I have decided that I am moving back home...to my home, to my city. My first real love. I want to write more and tell you all about it...but I must rest and get up at 5:45 for Whole Foods. Just know, that I have finally understood what people mean when they say "when you know, you know." And I know. I have seen glimpses of my future and I am so excited, in a way that I haven't ever been in before. The Universe has unfolded for me and I know, I belong in New York. It is the place that speaks to my soul...I am the best version of me there, and I am excited about the possibilities and all that is to come. But for now...i am going to finally get some sleep.

A really good day

2010-05-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

I have been really sad for the past few days...brewing up this cauldron of "Am I ever going to find someone to love me?" phase.And we all know how self deprecating that can be...I spent monday holed up in the house...hungover, sad, crying, cleaning...all day and night..tuesday and wednesday were a tireless blur because of work...and I finally got my period last night, which made all this make sense. And I my plan, yesterday was to go to yoga this morning...but after being woken up last night by the doorbell, and I couldn't fall back asleep, I allowed myself to turn off my alarm this morning, with no guilt...no, "you should get up and go, it will make you feel better!" And its true, it may have, but wrapping back up in my heated blanket, made me feel about as zen as I think I could today.

I then got up a read an article on the Dalai Lama...his love and light brings me to tears. And he is at Radio City Music Hall again this weekend, it made me reminiscent of when I saw him years ago. I feel fortunate to be able to say that I was able to experience him, once in my life. Because of that, I have retained this feeling of calm and love, wanting to be in the moment all day...listen to what those I come in contact say, and not try to hurry off to my tasks at hand. All of which I completed, but without anxiety, which has made all of the difference.

So tonight I am going to see a chick flick with a couple of my lady friends and then I will hopefully get some good rest before work tomorrow..and hopefully yoga. I will see how I feel. I have found my cramps and all are much better when I am kinder with myself for not being super woman. Besides, I have a big trip coming up, to my favorite city...and I am going to be able to see my dear friends, that I miss so much, and spend time with my mom. I know it is going to be a wonderful trip and I will hold it close to my heart for the rest of my life. It's a just a feeling I have.

My closing wish is that I hold onto this peace...remember to stay in the moment, not be distracted by fears, worries, tasks, or happenings. As I said to a loved one today, life may not give us everything that we want, but it will give us what we need...to grow, to learn, to "graduate" to the next phase of our life.

I FOUND MY VOICE!

2010-05-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday...when I was driving back from an amazing day with my mom,dad and brother. I will get to the voice part in a second, but yesterday was the first time it has been just the four of us...since I can't even remember. And not I haven't appreciated the extra company, but it was just a nice change to be able to spend so much personal time with them...and they all didn't start watching tv until I left. It was awesome.

I got to go to the store and cook with my mom, and have an awesome talk, as we always do. I got to come back and cook with her and my brother and we all just stood around the kitchen, talking and laughing. Then we had the best lunch I have probably had in ages....fresh cobia with a little seasoning, olive oil, and lemon, mashed cauliflower, even though I know my dad would have like potatoes better, he did eat them...and a really nice salad with some annies organic dressing. It was clean and fresh, and we sat outside at the top of the dock, looking at the water...best view in the southeast. Everything felt warm and wonderful. Then we took a boat ride with the boys and we ended up being able to see these monkeys on this island, that I never even knew about. It seems Chris can make a call that sounds just like them, and well, it brought them all of the woods...it was beautiful.

All in all, the day is exactly what I needed and I so glad that I didn't do my honeydew work and I hope that it made my mom as happy as it did me. She has always been the "loving" force in my life...anything that is unconditionally loving, comes from her. Her sweet, thoughtful, considerate, forgiving, almost to a fault, but she has fixed that, it is all from her.

So then on the way home, I talked to marty because I knew we would be crossing paths on the road...and it was the first time I had been around my family without him in a while so...anyway, we were talking and he was telling me about this yoga studio he taught at the day before..and he used to teach there all the time when he lived there....he has a huge following and well, he was saying how he wished the studio was like it was before, way back when... and without putting out too many details about the studio, I was able to say to him that is just what happens and things change, and everyone has to make a living and we don't always know why people, our friends, do things, but our job as yogis is to love, understand and try to be compassionate towards their choices...to believe that all people in this world are on the exact path that they are supposed to be, for them. Another part of the conversation was about how he wished people would do what they say, or lead the life that they preached...I found it funny, because I have said the same to him, but I ended up telling him that, that is what ALL people do. We all want to see ourselves in a different light, a better one...and well sometimes we fall short, because we are human. He didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say, so I used the example of us, and how last fall, our intention was to get back together, to be with one another, to build a life together...for the rest of our lives...and it has been very disappointing to me that that is no longer the case...but I have to have faith that we are both where we are supposed to be, doing what we are supposed to do....and even though it hurt me, as I am sure it does him...we have to try to understand where others are coming from...and if we don't then eventually these people will just fall out of our lives. I could tell that he wasn't very pleased with me and was sort of defensive...so i tried to tell him that I wasn't attacking him, I did use "we" and "us" not "I" or "him"....needless to say the phone call ended on a ookey note...but I let it go...and when I got off the phone, I was sad but also proud of me...because I told him i had to say what I was thinking and feeling about the situations...and that even if he didn't agree with my opinion, I was still entitled to it, even if I was wrong. I know I could see it differently at some point later in life...but I FOUND MY VOICE. I may not have said it all as gracefully as I could, but I have been bitting my tongue for years.

With all of that being said, let me just say that I know i do not have all things figured out, nor do I think i ever will. But I guess the reasoning for my silence for so long is that I feel people closest to me already have enough to deal with, enough pain or people pushing and pulling on them...so whenever someone is sharing something with me, I have remained more neutral...but I realize now, that doesn't serve me...or even them. I am not going to start telling people how to live their lives, or how they should think, or feel, or any of that...but I AM very good at seeing the other side of the coin...in most situations. I have been doing this all of my life...I have personally experienced a great deal, and even if I have not, I KNOW I am very good at putting myself in other peoples shoes, and being empathetic...sometimes sympathetic, which isn't always healthy for me...and I am not saying that I always do it...but even when I get frustrated with people or situations, my brain immediately wants to jump into the other persons shoes and see myself...how they may see me..or just the situation itself....and I know it isn't always easy or comfortable, but I can do that. It is what makes me thoughtful, considerate, kind and loving. I also know, it has been the thing that lets me down when other people "don't get it" like I think they should, but I am also working on that.

I realize that it is up to me, to set the bar, for how others treat me...and see me. And no, not everyone is going to like me, and that is perfectly fine, because I now understand, that in which you resist, persists.

So I am finally coming around, so to speak. I still don't want to deal with the male kind at all, but that is okay too. I know that it is temporary, and the things that I am figuring out now, will help me to deal with them and well, everyone better.

Last but not least, I painted a clients porch today...and my back is sore, my arms are tired, but it feels good. It has been such a beautiful day....I believe the Gods are shining down on me..it wasn't too hot or too cool and no rain. I got to be outside, listen to my music, and paint...which is very meditative for me. Now I have to hop in the shower,because I am going to see "Iron Man" tonight with Ben and Kate...very excited!

May 5

2010-05-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have decided to write again..I couldn't for a while but my friend Ker talked me into it. I love you for that, and so much more.

Eight years ago today I was going to get married to a young man that I loved very much but I decided not to months prior and on this day 8 years ago, I had left my small town and moved to the Big Apple, which I still love so much. At the time, it was the hardest decision I had ever made, leaving my family and him...but i knew it just wasn't the right time for me...I knew I still needed to know ME.

SO MUCH has happened since then. I have had such wonderful experiences and some not so wonderful... but I am still very grateful for each one. I mean, I did pine over him, long after I should have....and well, I realized that I created a pattern of keeping relationships at arms distance until Marty.

Now Marty and I have just recently decided that we are better friends...or should I say, better individuals apart...which is sad, but I am so very grateful for everything that I learned and experienced with him as well...and I have also learned, that trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole is just...insanity. I mean, didn't I learn this as a young child, and just somehow forgot? I am not calling him or myself the square peg, or the round hole, I am just using it as a loose metaphor. We are just different people and we should both be able to go after the true life that we each want to live, and holding each other back from that isn't love...at least not the kind that I want. So I will love him and set him free...and set myself free too.

I can't say that 8 years later that I know myself as well as I would like, but I have learned a great deal. For example I have learned;

- I tend to put others needs before my own, to my own detriment...even still. And that I must learn to speak up for myself, what I want...who I want to be.... and do that with Grace instead of force. It really does look and sound different.

-I have learned that life truly doesn't always give you what you want, but it does continuously try to give you the situations that you need, to learn and grow, until you do it right...and then you can move on to the next thing.

-I have learned that I have been so needy for love from the men in my life that I have been willing to become an emotional contortionist at times...and then I end up not even recognizing the lady in the mirror. So very sad, and no one to truly blame but myself.

-I have learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for...and that I am actually going to be just great, even if things don't seem fine at the moment. I fortunately have an amazing internal gage, that starts "acting up" or "badly" for lack of a better term when I am acting outside of what is true and comfortable to me. I have learned that this is a good thing, and I should listen to that wise one's whispers, before she starts screaming at me. :-)

-I have learned that most, if not all, of my problems would be more manageable, if "I" loved myself, the way I want and need to be loved and stop for looking someone else to give it to me. - I have learned that it works the other way instead.

-I have learned that I am sweet, thoughtful, insightful, and with a good bit of life experience, and therefor I need to trust my instincts better...and be kinder to myself, by being my own friend, who looks out and speaks up, for me.

-I have learned that the answers to all of lifes trials and tribulations are actually NOT in the bottom of a bottle of wine, pack of cigarettes...or two for that matter...that is just a headache waiting to happen.:-)

- I have learned that it takes time to create new healthy habits...just as it takes time to get rid of the bad ones...slow steady trying is the way to go.

- I have learned that it is also okay to "let my hair down" every now and then, as long as I am not driving or talking about things that have not been previously discussed while sober.

-I have learned that I going from one extreme to another doesn't do anything but punish myself.

- I have learned that I can do things in moderation, but that it is foreign to me, and I just have to practice a little harder at certain times...because lets be honest, being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be at times, and at others, it's better than you would expect. So treat yourself as gently as you would your closest loved ones.

-I have learned that that in which we resist, persists. I guess this could go along with my previous statement of life constantly trying to give you what you need, instead of want.

-I have learned there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, and that difference makes all the difference, even though I have no real proof of this statement at the time.

-I have learned that I am truly blessed....with an amazing family, friends, and life...even though it doesn't look like what I had colored in my mind 10 years ago...in alot of ways, it's even better...so why do I worry about the future.

-I have slowed down enough to learn that this moment, this one right here, is the only one I have any say in...I can't change the past or control the future...I can only make plans and see how it goes...do the best I can and believe in a positive turn out.

-I have learned that I continue to put others wants and needs in front of my own, they are going to follow suit, not the other way around...that is the rule...and yes, we all have a friend or two that is the "exception to the rule" but for the most part, how you treat yourself, is how others will treat you, they will follow your lead.

-with that being said, I have learned that NO ONE is more deserving of my love than me...and that is where I am today.

- I have also learned that my intention is not to ever hurt anyone with anything I say or do,but it does happen regardless of my intentions, and if I ever do that to any of you, I am truly sorry. My only defense is that I am human and I will continue to work on it and get better.

-I have also learned that I can tend to say some of the same things, just in different ways, but they make sense to me...and may not to you. So ask, because I do want to talk about it with you, and I do want us to understand each other...and as much as I can do small talk, I would rather talk about the serious stuff, than just sit around and talk about the weather. What i mean is, this life is about the human experience, mine and yours, and those around us...we have no control over the weather, who lives or dies, or the things that happens in this world...I believe that we can only control ourselves and our little portion of the world...so I would rather it mean something and matter, than not.

Since Marty and I have separated, and I think that is the best word for it..."break-up" is simply too harsh, and it just wasn't and isn't that way....I have learned from my friends, including him, that I need to reach out more, speak up, and love me, imperfections and all...because you all do, and that is the way I love you, so It is my wish to do the same thing and encourage you to do the same.

I have to admit, the past few weeks have been hard...I have been working like a dog 5 days a week at Whole Foods, which I love, and still doing my business on the 2 days off or before I go into work and then after I was going out with my roomie, or talking on the phone with my friends while drinking wine....and well, this past monday night was such a big night that I can honestly say, I think I over phase one of sadness. Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful meal at my favorite restaurant, McCrady's....and Chef Sean Brock won Best Chef of the Southeast from the James Beard foundation...and all I can say about that is, It's ABOUT TIME! His food is amazing and my friend Mary is graduating this weekend and moving to my favorite city in the world in a few weeks...so, she wasn't letting me out of it, and I am glad.

Being friends with her has helped me to remember what it is like to be 24...which is so different from 32...it makes me laugh at myself, which is really good. The obsession with boys and the things that will truly fade and change in time. I can say it is because of her that I have decided to not be with another man until he is willing to give me what I want. No offense to men...but the truth is, their "wanting" for you can be so wishy-washy...and well....i am simply not willing to compromise myself for a fleeting moment of fun...because that IS, all that it is...this why they created double AA batteries...or at least this is how I feel at the moment. :-)

So last night I came straight home from work, ate a little something and I was in bed by 10:30. I slept until 7 this morning and then got up and went to yoga. There are no words to explain how much I love Jivamukti yoga. And I should be fair and say, Andrea's class....Marty was so right about me loving her. I don't even "know" her that well, but she inspires me in a way that is so new and amazing, every time. I know yoga will be my savior...it will help me to find the best me that I have been searching for all of these years. I do not know whether I will ever stop going out every now and then...I do not know if I will ever be a vegan or vegetarian anymore than I know if I will ever get married, or have kids, or any of that...but I know that If I keep showing up to that mat, I will become a better version of me, with each practice. I believe in it, and that is really all that matters. I think everyone should find that ONE thing that works for them, that is healthy, happy, and peaceful. A home they can return to..and for me, that home, should be me...my body, my place in the world...and I am just going to keep doing it as much as you can, knowing the answers will come.

So that is all that I have for tonight. I am SO very grateful to the few of you that I am sharing this with. I do not expect you to read this often, or even care if you do or don't. I write this for me, and me alone. If you want to "check in" that is great, if not, I will not ask you nor will i be offended if you don't. This is just faster than actually writing for me...and since only a handful of you know about this site, I feel good sharing my deepest thoughts with you. Just know, what I feel today, can change tomorrow. So not all posts will be happy and upbeat, but no matter what they are, I know that I can depend on you all to love me, and on myself for going back to my mat to find my truth.

With that being said, my love for you is infinite, and I am turning in. As my mother always said to me, and I love it, "Sweet Dreams, Angel."

Day 25- Mema's Birthday

2010-02-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

I have alot that I should be doing; like taxes, laundry...which is in progress...emails, or you name it, but instead I am going to do what I want to do which is write.

I have come to say alot of things out loud today and in the recent week, that I think is really important for me to remember.

I have realized that I have alot of really lofty goals and expectations of myself and other people. I expect myself to be perfect at times, yet I am very forgiving of those around when they are not. I actually prefer that people not be perfect. It's far more interesting. And one thing I have always known about me is that I am very curious about the human condition and what makes all of us move. What do we get up for in the morning? What keeps us going throughout the day? And what is it that keeps us awake at night, if anything?

Marty and I have been going through a great transition together. We have been sharing our wants and fears and deepest desires. Sharing with each other the way we see ourselves and each other and what we like and maybe don't like so much and where do we want to be on this road of life with ourselves and each other.

I have realized that I have a very masculine energy at times that shows people that I know who I am and what I want and where I am going...and if you don't know me that well, that is what I project to the world. Except, alot of the times that isn't how I truly feel. That is the surface of things. I have also learned that I may not trust myself, but Marty sees something in me, a gage of some sort, that always seems to pipe up within me and say "NO, you do not want things to be this way. You do NOT want your life to go this way." I guess I have not ever really stopped to recognize that and see that maybe that is the God within me, guiding me, and I should have more faith in that and in myself that I am on the correct path, for me.

I have also realized that I have been unsure at times whether Marty and I were the "right ones" for each other...and after much very honest discussion, I believe that we are. I must explain. I have always had to push or pull against something...always had someone telling me what I should do or think or a direction that I should go in...and that has helped me to decide that i want to push against "this" or pull "that" towards me. Marty doesn't do that to me...he just lets me be...no matter whether I am up,down, left or right, or sideways for that matter. He is willing to love me, unconditionally. To give me the time or space or just unconditional love that I need to figure it all out for myself. I have always said that, THAT is what I wanted....yet, I failed to realize how foriegn that would feel to me when I finally recieved it.

I have always taken care of people. I dare to say that I am exceptional at it. I am great at loving others and figure out what they may want or need, sometimes, even before they do. Yet, I am not so good at doing this for myself. I think something within me has always known that and that is my gage, subconciously pushing me away from the want of having children, getting a pet, or maybe even getting married. Because maybe something within me knows, that I am so good at putting myself aside...so good at wanting to tend to other people's needs and say that they are more important than me...it's how I keep myself down and lowly. It's how I convince myself that I am not worth the love that I give to others....and now, that I am with someone who doesn't NEED me, or need anything from me...I get anxious. It's a strange land for me.

I am not saying that Marty doesn't benefit from being with me, because he does, and he says he does. He tells me all of the time that he appreciates what I do for him, and sometimes it feels like too much and it makes him feel badly. He expresses his gratitude for living here, and helping him, to help himself get out debt and do it in a place that he loves too. But when I look at it, I realize that I am also very lucky.

The truth is, some people may say, well he has it made or you should want to be with someone who can take care of you financially. Or someone who wants more...but what I have learned it that I have had people take care of me financially, and whereas I am very appreciative of that, I realize the happiest times in my life, is when we had the least amount of money...when I was making the least amount of money. And the other truth is, that Marty works damn hard..yet you wouldn't know it, because he loves it so much, he never complains. And he makes great money. And who doesn't have debt. Debt is so temporary. The way someone loves you, allows you to love them, is not. Don't get me wrong, I know I like nice things. I know I am even a snob about some of them. I do not like cheap food, wine, or tobacco. I like nice furniture, artwork, cars...but the truth is, I can be just as happy without all of those things. I have supplemented those things in the past for temporary joy, because I was so unhappy. I have felt so guilty about that very statement that I have tried to force myself to just go along with....well, whatever.

I have realized that I have accepted certain things as my truth, because I was to afraid to really own up to what my truth is...because I have acted a certain way in the past or wanted a certain thing in the past, I act as if, that is what I believe and what I am....and I don't give myself permission to change and quietly stand up for that change...or should I say peacefully stand up for that change. I am still that scared little girl who doesn't want to cause problems, let people down, make ripples in the water...yet, If I don't do it in baby steps, I AM going to do it with a big bang.

So it's a choice. I have to chose to love myself....to get to know myself warts and all and be really okay with everything that I see, especially if I want others to do the same.

So what I know is this; I am not perfect, but I am pretty great. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life...but that too is only temporary. I have felt the need to protect myself from, God only knows what, but if I had to guess, the pain that i don't want to feel...of not being good enough for those who are so close to me. The fear of not knowing whether or not I am on the "right" path..and whether or not I am going to be "successful." But again, I am judging success by other peoples standard instead of trusting and speaking my own. I have been acting as if everyone else in the world has it "figured out" except me...and I know that simply isn't true.

I realize now that everyone in my life is exactly where they are supposed to be, getting what they need in this life to balance themselves out...and our situations are going to look different from the outside because they are different. What we need to learn, and be, and go through and experience IS different...and that is ok. My life doesn't need to resemble any one else's. I have to have FAITH...something that I have always struggled with and that is not surprise considering the way I was raised. I was told if it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, it must me a duck....but the truth is, it could be a goose...or a turkey...but you have to be willing to not dismiss something or someone so quickly because you are afraid and you need your life to fit in pretty little compartmentalized boxes. That works for some people...it does not for me. I try to pretend it does...but something within me says....but you are missing SO much by doing that...don't be afraid...keep looking. Try to see it differently.

What i have been most afraid of is, if I do live my life this way, and I am wrong then everyone else will say "I could have told you so" or "I did tell you so" But who cares....everyone gets a life of their own...to live it the way that they wan to...and at the end of your life, if you have not lived it the way you wanted to, the only person you have to blame is yourself...not your parents, friends, partners, children, bosses, etc.....it all comes back to you.

So that is all I know for now. I am not so good at writing daily...but I think that is okay. If I write when it is important to me, that is all that matters. I mean, all in all, that is what this is all about.

Day 16

2010-02-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

I am going to skip to the highlights of my day. Marty took me to lunch today at 5 loaves...and while I was enjoying my trio of soups (vegan chili, carrot ginger, and leek corn chowder) paired with a half heated ham and pepperjack cheese sandwich on sour dough bread....i realized I should be an incognito food critic of some sort...and write a blog, NO, facebook page about the food of Charleston..or anywhere I go for that matter. I mean, I LOVE to eat. So why not. Of course this isn't helping with the fact that I am trying to lose 10 pounds...but I am slowly getting to that.

Later this afternoon, Marty took me with him to thrift stores. We were looking for an old turkey baster thing to warm up his rocks and towels with for a massage...The first one we went to was playing music from my childhood and the things in there reminded me of Red Dam (where I grew up till I was 9) and it just felt good. I thought about how hard my parents worked to get from where they came from, where they were then, to where they are now...and I guess that when you push yourself and those around you as hard as they did, you are bound to leave some bumps, bruises, skid marks and scars along the way. And whereas I appreciate everything they have done for me, I remember being really happy, when we didn't really have much of anything, and maybe that is the trick. simplicity.

While I was thinking about all of this, marty found a salad spinner for under 2 bucks and I then decided to take my chances and look at the pants, because none of my 4's fit....so I picked up 2 pair of khakis...each 3.99 a piece. The whole bill was 11 and some change. So now I am thinking...screw TJ max and Marshalls..I am going to start shopping in thrift stores.

From there we went ot north charleston and check out a few more thrift stores...it really is amazing and I had so much fun doing it with him. I think marty thought I may be above it...I realize that I give off this air...I mean, I do like nice things and some of them tend to be expensive...but I also love a great bargain. And since I am not raking in the money, YET, I think it's best I stick to that as much as possible.

Last but not least...Marty took me out to a romantic dinner. We both got dressed up and he wouldn't tell me where we were going and it was so nice when we ended up at the Old Village Post House. It is in old Mt. Pleasant, which is so charming and on the water. After that wonderful dinner we went searching for the turkey thing again, and well, we finally found something that would work and that was on sale at BB&B.

The rest of the evening has been quiet. Watching TV, cuddling on the couch and eating the last of the red velvet cake. It's hard to believe that he and I have eaten a whole 6" cake since saturday, but it's true. I am sad and glad that is gone...maybe i will finally start to shed some pounds.....please o please o please. I'm obsessed, I know.

Gotta get some sleep, I have a really busy day tomorrow and the next few days. Yippee!

Sweet Dreams!

Day 15-part 2

2010-02-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

I have also realized that it is an absolute must for me to exhaust myself physically on a daily basis..after boot camp, which I thought I was going to die in the middle of, well, 30 min. after boot camp, I am calm, elated actually at just being in Whole Foods and picking up healthy for Marty and I to Nosh on. I am excited to go get into my car, and not because it's cold and raining, but because I am still in the honeymoon phase with it....and it still smells new.As I drive over the bridge I think about Marty and I training, for the bridge run that is coming up. And the moment I see him when I get home, I know everything is right in the world. He skin always has this smell, it's his own, like a new baby smell, but different. And his skin is always so soft, and when I kiss him on cheek or neck, his skin kisses me back...as if to say "Thank you."

Evenings like this, I realize he does push me, just in his own way. I actually watched some of the Olympics, which I can't say I have done alot of that, but I enjoyed it because it was with him, and we laughed and teased each other about our preferences as we watched and cuddled... I realized that I am happy. And that sometimes, I just have to burn off that extra energy for me to see things clearly. I guess it would be like drawn butter...you have to heat it up and scrape off of the top, until you get to the clear part.

Could be a bad analogy, but who cares. :-)

I am just glad things are starting to be more clear. And I know its from talking to Keri, Dani and Marty. Sometimes I hear these voices, that are not mine, and I need the people who know me, to remind me of that.

Day 15

2010-02-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

I have been lazy with posting....wish I had time to write everything but I have to leave soon for Boot Camp.

All in all, things are going well. My brain has been in a strange place...trying to understand myself and my relationships better. What is working for me, what isn't? What can i change? and what do I want to keep...and why? I ask all of these things because sometimes I feel as if I am not getting to where I want to be...and yet, I know from yoga, i must learn to love the process of life, be patient with it. Believe in a higher plan and let go...yet, my ego struggles...wants to hold on, wants to remain in control...it's tough.

I had a great conversation with my Dani-girl today. She told me what a strong masculine energy I have, and how that is sometimes hard to work with...and she's right..I think that I unknowingly intimidate people and I don't want to do that. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that...and it sucks. It makes you feel stupid and small, and the truth is, that masculinity is false...it is to cover up and unknowing inside. So, I need to believe in myself more, and stress that less...just state my wants in a kinder, gentler way. without pushing.

Marty and I have been talking alot about us and who we are individually and together and what is it that we want, individually and together. Of course we haven't really determined much other than we do love one another tremendously and I am pretty sure at this point that I don't want children which he is really okay with.

Now I know what you are thinking....Children and great and amazing and they change your world....and all of that is very true. I hear people saying is that "you don't know what it is like to love someone until you have a child of your own." I believe that is true for most people....I believe that a good majority of people grow up not ever really loving anyone more than they do themselves until they have children. But I have experienced that type of love. I have loved my mom, dad and brother that way for a majority of my life. I have put aside things that I wanted or wanted to do for them and couldn't just think about how this decision affected me...I have had to think about how every decision in my life effects them and well, I think I have hit the point in my life where I want to be a little selfish again and I want to take care of me, and heal the child inside of me, instead of having one of my own.

Now I know, this could just be fear talking...because I have always been afraid of passing along my neurosis to someone else, and hell, every parent screws up their child in some form or another...and that's just the norm...but this is the way I feel today. Now, and should I change my mind someday, i will do something about...I know me. And if I can't have them naturally, then I will adopt. I know there are plenty of children in need of great homes out there.

Other than that, I have been fixing things around the house and trying to get new business. Today I managed to recaulk the kitchen and downstairs powder room. Re-organized my tools for my car and my tool box inside. Babysat Ava...laid down some new rules for the roomie and now I have to go to gym. At this point, my back hurts and I want to go to bed. But I can't

I will say this, I had wine on thursday night (ben and i were both allowed one cheat night) and friday I was useless. And I realized, I just have a hard time drinking anymore. I like waking up feeling refreshed instead of hung-over. This getting older stuff is interesting.

Day 10

2010-02-10T17:34:00.001-08:00

Marty and I got up this morning and went to 830 yoga. It was just what I needed to ground myself.

I think because I am not smoking or drinking and I am having to focus more on myself, my mind is still trying to find ways to escape....hence it knows it can get me with sex/attraction. Sometimes I feel so much like Samantha in "Sex in the Ctiy" I don't know what to do with myself.

After yoga, I had to finish this copy for next month's SKIRT! Seems there will be something written up on me...and then my lovely lady came over and took my picture for the magazine. I felt so silly...but if it works, then it is worth it!

Other than that, my day has been relatively productive. Met with my new accountant...and I can see these visits will become more regular...he's funny and well, we talk about more than just finances...which is fun, and interesting at the same time. And there is no attraction there, which is awesome.

After that, I think I cleared up my whole "licensing issue. " I had a retail lic. which I do not need, because I do not resale goods, yet....but maybe one day...and now I just need to go get my business license.

I then came back,changed and went to boot camp. I'll be honest, I wasn't sure if I could pull it off...but I did. Now I am exhausted and it isn't even 9 yet. On top of that, my wonderful man tried to make us an awesome dinner, and well, much to his dismay...it didn't work out as great as he normally does...but I LOVE that he always tries new things. I tend to stick to what I know, at least when it comes to cooking, but he is very adventurous in the kitchen. I am not, but I did pick up a cooking light book and I am going to try making up dinners out of those...so I can learn to be more adventurous in that department.

Last but not least, Ava is hanging out with us. She is our neighbor's little girl. Just turned 5 last week..She's beautiful and sweet, and picky as hell. It cracks me up is now watching a Tom and Jerry DVD i have (no comment) and well, in this little skirt they are in the Big Apple...so it makes me think of all of my beautiful friends, and how much I do love that city! Even though it is freezing there right now. I don't miss that at all...but everything else, yes.

Last note...Ava is curious what I am doing...and marty is making quiche...I wonder if I could live this way. I wonder if kids are in the picture for me. Sometimes I think so, other times, I couldn't imagine that life. The only reason I can come up with for wanting to have any would be that I wouldn't want to miss out on the experience....the problem (or fear) that I forsee with that is, the moment you start the experience, you don't ever get to stop. It's truly a life long commitment. I just don't know. I guess if it is ever meant to be, i will know...or it will be...or something. And if not, then I just continue watching other peoples children for them. :-)

Day 9

2010-02-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

couldn't write last night because I left late to go put another coat of varnish on the McCrady's bar. SO i didn't get to bed till 2. I wanted to get up and go to 830 yoga but I just couldn't get out of the bed when the alarm went off.

I did, thankfully make it to yoga at noon and it was truly amazing. I know I need to do yoga everyday. If I really want to undo the programming that has been done and plant new seeds, I need to go as often as possible. Jeffrey taught an amazing class..and to think that he was 42 yesterday...man, I hope I look and feel that great, 10 years from now.

I then got a call from an old friend to meet up for lunch. And I don' t know if this makes me a bad person or not, but I find myself so attracted to him. I feel horrible thinking this, much less typing it, because I do love Marty so very much. I don't know if that is normal. Because I don't want to ever hurt him again. And being with Marty is amazing. He is my best friend, my guru, my inspiration, my love. Sincerely, one of the most beautiful people i know...and yet, I find myself thinking....carnal thoughts....what to do with those, I don't know. I mean, i don't even know him that well, maybe that's the attraction. Maybe it's all this stuff with Louise. Maybe it's me holding on to my youth again. Not wanting to let go of my 20's...not sure.

who knows. This is why I will be going to yoga in the morning even though I have boot camp tomorrow night. Well, this reason and so much more. I know I have to build myself up...my self esteem...my worthiness...letting go of my fears, of so many things. i wonder if being afraid of something has ever stopped whatever was going to come or happen, from happening. Or, in fact, does the thinking about it, obsessing over it...actually make the chances of it happening, greater? If you believe thoughts become things, then it does...so I must think...I am good. I am happy. I do not need or want for anything more.

Day 7

2010-02-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

Today has been tough and amazing all at the same time.

I was stressing last night about refinishing this bar at McCrady's and to make a very long story short, Marty and I refinished the bar, 12 stools, cleaned the chandelier and finished the work at another clients house...bringing the grand total of our work today to 500 dollars. It seems for me to make that kind of money at Target I would have to work 62.5 hours and that is before taxes.

So I am considering calling them back and telling them Thank you for the job offer but I am going to have to decline at this point.

I mean, I have 4 possible new clients this week alone. And if I don't believe in me, who is going to? Actually I know Marty and my very best friends will, and as my bro told me the other day, he doesn't care what I do, as long as I am happy, which really could not have made my day better on friday. So, I need to believe in me. Because I actually do a GREAT job. I really do! I don't always believe in myself going in, but once I get there, it's like trying to solve a puzzle...and I know I can solve most of them.

Yoga will help with the anxiety...the fear, which turns into stress that I don' t know how to always successfully cope with. But I am working on it.

I just know that I am grateful that I have someone who loves me the way Marty does.

And I also know, that i need to start writing these blogs earlier or in the mornings, because I am too tired to string together sentences as this point.

Day 6

2010-02-06T21:33:00.001-08:00

I didn't write yesterday. Had a terrible headache all day, I think from thinking too much...and by the time Marty got home, he rubbed my head for me and I fell asleep on the couch by 10:30. Wild friday night, I know.

But I did meet with a possible new client yesterday and I also got a new accountant. This one is supposed to help my business grow and do my taxes. It's a little pricer than what I am used to paying, but if the firm is worth it, then I will be happy to pay them.

On to today; which started with Ava's birthday at Chuck-E-cheese. Made me not want to have children. To see the crazed look in their eyes as they tossed away their parents hard earned money for paper tickets that bought them some junky toy that was probably made by some underpaid worker in another country, just saddens me. And to know, that at one point in my life, someone having their birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese was the highlight of my...well day. Because that is about how long the attention span of anyone under the age of 16 lasts.

After that, I went by an old clients house to quickly hang a mirror, then on to Lowes and another old clients home to re-fix her window sills, because her dog chewed them again. She also had a couple of other things that needed done, which I was even surprised at myself and how well I did them, but the windows were giving me an issue. I will have to go back over there tomorrow to finish, which is okay, because she doesn't have her walk through until monday.

On a fun note, Marty and I went to see the movie "Crazy Heart" tonight. It was much better than I expected it to be, which was already pretty good. As I was watching it, I found myself wanting to understand why we all do the things we do. Why we feel what we feel, choose what we choose...go where go..or don't go, for that matter. I have always wanted to understand the human condition. But beyond the clinicalness of it all. I mean, so many people go through so much of the same. It's easier to drink, or do drugs, have sex, smoke, I don't know, anything but face the thing that you are afraid of, when you don't believe in yourself, or your self worth. For some it starts when you give up a little part of yourself one day, and then you just keep giving up little parts of yourself..until there is nothing left of you. Or maybe what is left is what has been pushed back in it's place and you don't recognize or like the person that you see....so instead of facing that, you keep running. You keep pushing that away, because its like dirty laundry. At first the pile starts out small, and before you know it, it is taking over your closet, your room, your house....so what do you do. You don't go into your closet, you close that door. Then when it spills over into your room, you don't go in there anymore either...because it is just TOO overwhelming...so you close that door and you sleep somewhere else. Then before you know it, has taken over your entire house and even though you still have to keep paying for that house, you just pretend it doesn't exist and you go stay at a friends place...but eventually you will wear out your welcome there and you still have a house that you just don't want to go into because it seems easier to burn the place down that it does to actually start doing laundry.

Ok, maybe that analogy is off. But this is how my mind is running these days....1000 miles a second. I can hardly slow it down. And I know, I need to get back to yoga..this week...tuesday morning, I am going. I have too much work to do tomorrow, and boot camp monday evening...possible new client monday morning...so tuesday is the earliest I can get there. But I know it will help, with everything.

I don't need cigarettes. I don't need wine. I don't need coffee. But I do need yoga. For some people, it's church. For some people it's the gym, or the court, or the pool...ect. We all have to find what works for us....and I know. So why is it when you finally figure out what it is that truly works for you....the human mind still wants to test it. See how far I can push it. I can only assume that is what I have been doing since I found Jivamukti. Because I know it works for me...and I have hardly gone in two months, maybe more.

I will say I pray more now. I truly believe that is why it has been as easy as it has with quitting cold turkey. Dani did give me some gum, but I don't want to get hooked on that. I know it is more of a mental thing with me, so I have to make up mind to stop. And I believe it is through grace that it is all going as well as it is. With that said, I pray that it will continue to go well each day.

It's strange, but I realize more now than ever, how very lucky I am. How much love and support I have around me. How truly nothing can go so badly wrong that, and at the same time, how nothing can be truly perfect. Now if I could just remember that always, i would be in great shape.

One day at a time.

Day 4- I impressed myself

2010-02-04T22:29:00.000-08:00

I should be in bed...so this will be a short post. It's 1:30 am and I have been up since 6:30 and well...I didn't get but about 6 hours last night, so how I have all of this energy, i don't know...actually, not true...french press coffee, that's how.

Anyway, I will start at the end and go backwards. I have been out with my friend Louise, it was her birthday tonight and I was her DD. Which I was completely cool with, but I was unsure if I was going to crave a cig or fall for the "but just have one with me, it's my birthday!" But strangely, I felt good about it. There was a moment when I questioned it, but something just said, "No, there will always be a reason, always be an excuse." And to be honest, I am tired of my own reasons and excuses...and I also know, it is through grace that i was able to remain strong.

Amazing.

Ever since seeing Avatar, I have had this desire to have the type of faith that the "people" of Pandora did. And I know, "it's just a movie!" but at the same time, there is something beautiful about it. I am also reading a Babaji book, and the way his followers were completely devoted to him....without question, with COMPLETE faith, in him, and his direct link to the higher power.

Today started a little trying, but I have made it through day 4, without casualty. I am impressed, or is it, that I am in awe...I think that is the more proper feeling.

It's actually the harder thing to do in the beginning, but I believe the easiest thing to understand, in the long run...once you deprogram yourself, and re-program the other way....it's easier. It isn't typical, which translates into "not accepted well by the majority" but that could change too. That could become the majority, someday, somewhere. I hope I live to see it.

Okay, I will have to fill in the rest of my day, tomorrow...but I had all of these thoughts running around, that I just had to get out.

sweet dreams!

Day 3-Cleanse

2010-02-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

Today I was climbing the walls a little. Day 3 is always the hardest...so it should be easy from here on out...or I should say, it will all be psychological and not physical.

Seriously though, it was like someone had injected me with speed, and well, taken away all of my patience. Not fun for those around me. Of course in times like that, I find I am able to hold it all together around people who don't know me, but when I get around those who do, I tend to have a shorter fuse.

Marty was an angel. After I returned all of my phone calls, emails and met with Fox24 news people...he gave me a massage, and then I cut his hair. I really love that he lets me do it. I think it looks good, but more than that, I just love that he lets me do something sweet for him in that way. Silly, I know, but i can't help it.

I will say all of this energy worked out well for my boot camp tonight...and needless to say, i am exhausted. On top of that, I have to get up at 6:30 in the morning, so I will be going to bed soon.

I wish i had more to write...but I am happily laying on my couch with my baby and really just enjoying relaxing. I did finally come up with a name for the clubman and it's Gabriel, for the archangel.

Day 2-Cleanse

2010-02-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

The day started with a job interview at Target. The position I was applying for was just to be a team member, work the floor, nothing big, I thought It would be good to get me out of the house, make some extra money, and at least have a little steady money coming in. By the time the interview was over, they were offering me a full time job as a GSM or something corporate like that, which basically translates into, Front floor manager in training. The start pay is a cruddy 8 bucks an hour, but hey, their is benefits, insurance, 401K....WOO the Fuck Hoo.

I will be honest, this sinking feeling of I was going to throw up came over my body the moment I walked out of there, but I did just get a new car and I know business has been good, but there is no way to know how things are going to go from month to month, so until it gets more steady and stable, I think it is smart to do this...and who knows, I could really like it. I just need to remember, it's just a job, I don't have to put my heart in soul into it...just show up on time and do a good job, and thats really all I need to do. So we shall see.

Other than that, I took a drug test, had lunch with the roomie, went to Costco, fast signs, and came back home to learn Quick books, to input all my past years financials...and well, my friend Louise came over....and as much as I needed to work, I didn't know how to turn her away. I have been in her shoes too many times, and if I can help, then great. Needless to say it was a little trying, because the stress of seeing what she is doing to herself is hard...only because it's like watching an old movie of yourself, and that makes me want a cigarette, but I know that won't make anything better.

So, I have made it through day 2....that is my biggest accomplishment at the moment. That and my love is smiling at me, even thought these cleanse pills give me the worst gas....i am still lucky, so lucky.

Day 1 of Cleanse

2010-02-01T19:09:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day of my cleanse...no smoking, drinking, or eating fried food. I am taking these herbal supplements that are going to help get my system nice and clean, which I hope means will also help me to lose a little weight and get back into shape.

I can't say that I have been terribly productive today, but I did manage to set up an interview with Target in the morning, finally, and I also made it to boot camp, which completely kicked my ass. I mean, I haven't been feeling my best already today, because I drank my face off last night. Thankfully, Marty is amazing. He has made me breakfast,lunch, and dinner....not to mention making me a bath, cleaning, and work. I know, I am VERY lucky

So, it's ten pm and I am exhausted, but in a good way. I am looking forward to this challenge, to becoming more disciplined with myself...with being more easeful to my body, so that I can be more peaceful in my mind, and therefor more useful to myeself, God, and those I love.

So my starting weight is 144..this is the heaviest I have ever been. The only good thing about it is that my boobs got bigger too, but it is alot harder on my body.

Last but not least, I still can't believe I have a new clubman...it's almost surreal. I am so glad that I went with the color I wanted, something about blue just makes me happy. Could be part of the reason I love AVATAR so much, other than I think its the best movie I have ever seen and I now want to go live on Pandora with them. The way they connected to their surroundings and each other, was blissful and beautiful.

Wish me luck tomorrow and I am going to bed. Sweet dreams!

Been a while

2010-01-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

Where to begin....

it's 7pm on a friday night. I have not been physically feeling so well for the past two days...could be because I have been trying to process SO much mentally....and we all know, mental affects physical, at least that is what I believe.

Go back to December. An absolutely amazing yoga retreat and trip with Marty in Maui. Met a couple of people that I felt such an instant love for, yet, I have been awful with keeping in touch. I think I shy away from this because it is easier to get caught up in the "daily living" than it is to allow yourself to feel something so strong...and let it change you. Change scares us at times. But I am grateful, and love my new friends none-the-less. I will get better with letting them know.

Then after that, it was an awesome Christmas with my family. I love that they live in Beaufort now. I can see how it has changed them for the better. How therapy has helped them to communicate better. I have always wanted this for my parents. And I know there is still work to do, but it IS a beginning....we all must start somewhere.

Then my friend "X" came into town. I will just leave the name at that, for what little anonymity it gives. All went well in the beginning, but somewhere in the middle it got hard, complicated, confusing, and hurtful.....on both ends. I do not blame one party more than the other and I am extremely grateful that we have worked through it, and I truly believe our friendship will be better because of it.

Other than that, work has been good. I want to be busier. Got a call back from Target for a job interview, but that hasn't panned out yet....still working on it. Still working on getting more clients. But realized that the one thing that holds me back in this business, is me. The very same thing that holds me back in other aspects of my life.....my fears.

Then there is Marty. It has been rocky at times, but for the most part, truly, it has been wonderful. I realize that I love him so very much. And I never thought that I would be able to love this way again, and then to realize that I can....and actually love more. Or should I say, love more honestly. Because our time together has been so rocky at times, I finally realize that I wouldn't be fighting for someone if I didn't believe they were/are so completely amazing for me. I wouldn't allow myself to face my fears, if the alternative wasn't worse, or if IT wasn't worth. And IT is. He is. We are, worth it.

We had the most wonderful talks yesterday. We spoke openly about our own individual fears, ours fears of the relationship and the other person. We talked about goals; for ourselves and each other, collectively. We talked about our own strengths and weaknesses...honestly....to the point of being naked, and raw...it was uncomfortable and beautiful, all at the same time. We talked about our future, together and collectively.....it was so freeing and amazing.

All of this being said, and with the conversations that I have had with two of my best friends today....I realize....that no one really knows anything....yet somewhere, DEEP down inside, something within us, knows everthing......and we are AFRAID of embracing what that tiny, quiet voice is saying, because we know, it could change everything. More importantly, it could change us. And if we change, will the people we love, still love us. And isn't that what we are most afraid of? Hurting people/losing people/being alone/ not connecting with others?

Or is it, that we really don't understand what this life is truly all about. Whether it is in the cosmic sense or religious sense. We are humans, which means, at least a part of us is logical and we WANT to make sense of things and trying to make sense of the senseless makes us feel very small and afraid?

Who knows. I am simply rambling at this point. But I wonder myself....why i am so afraid? Of anything? Of anyone? period. What can they really do to me? Because, I know, the one person that has hurt me more than anyone else is myself......with my beliefs and expectations and hopes and condemnations. But what if?????

What if I stopped believing everything that I had been told? What IF I didn't have expectations of people or this life. What if I didn't get frustrated if my hopes didn't work out the way I had hoped....What IF I had Faith that there is something greater than me, that knows what is going on and I simply let go? What IF I didn't judge myself, my past, family, or just other people. What IF, i just was an observer of the human condition. What IF, I could remember that we are all spiritual beings on a human journey, and not the other way around. What If?

30 minutes after I write all of this, I know...that IF I could do all of these things.....I would be so free. As free as the sages that have walked before me; Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, The Daili lama, Guruji, Babaji....I mean really. Those are the ones who trusted themselves, their instincts, their purpose...believed in their faith, their God....the higher power of this life. That is what I am searching for within me. This is why i choose Yoga. Even though I have not been as active recently as I would like, I know, that is what gets me closer to the answers, closer to the understanding, closer to the God within me...yet, I have not been. I have not been disciplined.

This is all changing February 1st. No alcohol, cigarettes, or fried foods for 28 days. I am going to cleanse my body, so that I may feel what it means to be "easeful, peaceful, useful." I have had this saying on a shirt I have owned from Holy Cow for some time now, but I didn't really understand what that meant until I read one one of the daily scriptures from Swami Satchitinanda, and it states that you need to be easeful on the body, in reference to your diet, so that you can be peaceful in the mind, and useful God. That is what I am aiming for.

And what I am going to learn is to not judge anyone who doesn't make the same choices that i do, but to honor myself enough to stick to my beliefs. It is going to be an interesting experiment with myself....and I hope to make journal entries daily.

If you are reading this, I hope you know, this is just me "expressing" my opinions. In know way am I judging or making condemnations. I am simply trying something different. My love for you is the same, unconditional. We are all trying to figure out what works for us, and I support that, no matter how you go about it. But like someone famous once said, "Nobody gets out of this life alive." and I don't want to, I just want to make this life count, as much as I can,so that I don't have to do it over in the next.

All my love!

Dreams

2009-12-13T14:43:00.000-08:00

I had the scariest dream last night. I dreamt that I had set fire to my parents house in Hardeeville. The home I grew up in from 9-17. I can't remember why I set it, but I remember being remorseful in the dream, that things had went horribly further than I had intended them too....and in the dream, I am sitting and a whole bunch of my friends are gathered around me....and they each bring me a bottle of wine yet I seem completely uninterested in it...instead I am drinking hot tea..but I mean friends from all different times in my life; Roger was there (SCAD) and Brentt and Nicki, Josh, Dani, Keri, Dee, Ben...everyone...and I was saying how I couldn't believe I did what I did, because someone could have gotten hurt and all of my friends started whispering amongst themselves and finally nicki looked and me and said "Honey, someone did...your mom died." and I couldn't believe it...and I ran out of the building we were in...which seemed to be where Mr. & Mrs. Gardener used to live and then I saw it....my house, my family's house...burnt almost to the ground and my mom was there lying on the ground and I was screaming "please don't let this be real, I will do anything, I will do anything, Please....and I woke up crying. It was 6 in the morning here and I couldn't even see straight, but I looked for my phone and called my family.

I was so relieved to see that it was a dream....but still a little shook up. I kept telling my self, it's just a dream, it's just thoughts....it's not real.

Marty and I later had breakfast and he gave me a great interpretation of this dream...he said it was me letting that part of me, that I was afraid of becoming die...I set fire to it, and let it go.

I wonder what Jung would say of this dream...I wish I knew if that was really what it meant. It will do for now, and I am grateful for his love and compassion on the subject.

On a lighter note. This yoga retreat in Maui is so life transforming. I hope and pray to keep the love and openess that I am experiencing now and I believe that it will continue to transform me for some time to come. I couldn't be more grateful.

Side note.It would be nice to figure out a way to live this way, daily. I believe it is my new goal. It's the first one that I have had in a long time that I am truly excited about, inspired by. And I don't just mean the waking and going to bed to the sound of the waves, or the snorkeling in clear blue water, or being able to see the mountains that you want to hike in or the amazing weather....I mean, ALL of that is magical...but that is also external. I mean what I happening

internally. I want to expand on this love and compassion for myself and others, everyday, until it is as natural as breathing.

David Williams

2009-10-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my parents home watching David Williams give Marty adjustments while he plays online poker....he walks to the living room where Marty is laying and adjusting his head, then he walks back to the dining room to play his hands...then he comes back and offers more adjustments. And I know that this week and workshop is going to be quite an experience.

I know that I need this at this point in my life...I have been a bit out of balance lately and things have been challenging me. I know i am being very vague at this point but I don't know exactly what it is that is throwing me off.

Business has been getting a little busier but i think it's the fear of every new job. Will i be able to give the clients what they want? Will i be able to charge a price that is fair to me or am I going to under-charge because I am afraid they won't pay? I don't know why...there is no reason for me to believe things will not go well, other than fear and self-doubt. I love what I do, and I know that I am very reasonably priced. I know that i can and will get the job done...so why i torture myself with these questions and fears is just....human I guess.

Then there is the issue of weight...i have gain too much and not really sure why. I know that I am not fat...I just feel sluggish. My yoga practice isn't as strong because of it...and I am letting it get next to me on a daily basis. I actually thought that I should go get a prescription to adderol so that I could slim up like the rest of chuck-town girls. I mean who wouldn't like being thinner and more focused? But I don't believe that is a solution to the issue. Louise Hay says that additional weight is gained out of the belief that you need to be protected. So I am wondering what I feel like I need protection from?

And there are some other little things...roomate struggles at times, a PC that is acting up and I am hoping that it will be able to be revived because I have too much work on there. And my service engine light has come on in my car and I don't have time to address that right now, so we shall see.

I know all of this will work itself out...or I will learn to manage it better. It has been feeling a bit overwhelming but I am hoping the next few days will give me a new perspective that will allow me to face and handle all of this with more strength and grace. And most importantly, the ability to let go.

Focus of the month-Jivamukti

2009-10-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

This was read to me the other day in yoga class and as I have always struggled with communication, it touched something deep inside of me. I want to practice this daily, this month, and all the days that follow.

Non-Violent Communication

The key to effective spiritual activism is non-violent communication. An activist is someone who actively works for change, and to be spiritual is to feel your connection to all living beings. Spiritual activism is working actively to further the conscious connection of oneself to others in a positive, life-affirming, mutually beneficial way. To be a spiritual activist is to be activated by spirit rather than by a skin-encapsulated ego. Through non-violent communication, a spiritual activist pursues liberation or enlightenment for the benefit of all.
The biggest obstacle to our spiritual evolution at this time is our perception and treatment of animals and the natural world. When people learn of the horrible animal abuse that goes on day after day, they often feel despairing, overwhelmed and helpless, or they get angry and want to attack the perpetrators. Neither one of these reactions will bring about a positive transformation that will benefit the animals. Only through active, conscious compassion can you affect people's minds and hearts, with the result that they find it in themselves to be compassionate and to extend that compassion to all beings, including animals. In other words, change must start with you - you must become the embodiment of compassion. Patanjali advises: vitarka-badhane pratipaksha-bhavanam (PYS II.33) - when disturbed by disturbing thoughts, think of the opposite.
When destructive emotions like hate, anger, or the desire to do violence arise within you, cultivate the opposite state of mind. See the other person's potential for kindness and bolster your own expression of kindness. View others with hope, seeing them as having overcome their own ignorance. If you see them in a negative way, the power of your perception will only help to keep them that way as you polarize yourself from them, assuming a superior role. You may at first encounter ridicule from others when you speak up for animals, but this ridicule can help you to hone your skills, enabling you to become better at articulating the message of veganism and animal rights in an informed and compassionate way. If you have a desire to be an effective speaker on the subject of yoga, animal rights and veganism - that is, if you have a desire to be a spiritual activist - then these ideas may help you achieve your goals:
1. Listening: The Heart of Communication. Be sure you want to communicate as opposed to merely expressing yourself. Strive to be a communicator not a professor. To communicate, one must be able to listen and to hear where the other is coming from. Through empathetic listening, you will be able to change underlying causes, not just outward symptoms. Non-violent communication with others whom you would like to inspire toward change will transform you in the process, as it will develop compassion, which dissolves differences and leads to an enlightened existence.
2. Feeling: The Means of Communication. Before you speak to others, ask yourself: How do I want them to feel about themselves when I talk to them? Martin Luther King, Jr. did not see African-Americans as victims, but as strong, whole, and complete. He didn't have time for hate, recognizing that it would slow him down on his way to his goal. He envisioned a new world in which all people lived together in harmony, and he spoke from that elevated dream. Black people who heard him felt themselves to be as Dr. King saw them, empowered with vision and hope to take their rightful place in society rather than remain victims of an unjust racist system. Only through humility and respect will you be effective in communicating. When conveying the messages of yoga and vegetarianism to others, don't make them feel condemned or judged, but rather empowered to make conscious choices that would lead to liberation.
3. Seeing: The Expression of Communication. To separate the world into good guys and bad guys or victims and perpetrators will only result in more division, not the peaceful unification we seek as yogis. When you speak to others about vegetarianism or animal rights, you must not view them as stupid, callous, or evil. Instead, see them through your eyes of compassion as holy beings, capable of kindness. If the person eats meat, why not view that as a temporary condition? If you can't see others as potentially kind and compassionate beings, how can you ever expect them to see themselves that way?
4. Bliss: The Result of Successful Communication. Ecstasy is the true ground of being, and it pulsates within you at all times. Recognize it and celebrate it in others, and you will find it in yourself. By not trying to tame, enslave, and exploit others, you allow them the right to pursue their true natures and, in doing so, you allow yourself the same adventure into bliss. If we are to spiritually evolve and survive as a species, we must liberate ourselves from the lie that we are separate from the rest of life. Recognize the potential within yourself to become liberated and for your life to serve as an instrument of liberation for others. Cultivate your vision by infusing yourself with vast compassion that extends to include everyone. Liberation, or moksha, is the goal of yoga, and ecstasy, or bliss, is its experience.
-Sharon Gannon, adapted from Yoga and Vegetarianism

mistakes

2009-09-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever done or said something that you wish you could take back? I did last night and it is crushing me. My intentions were good, my delivery was aweful. I hurt my best friend and I know she forgives me, but I have to figure out how to forgive myself. It's her wedding weekend, she should only be crying tears of joy. I pushed her in the wrong way, when I shouldn't be pushing her at all, I should only be giving her love. I hurt her and I am so ashamed.

They say every new day is a fresh start. A chance to do things differently. So instead of beating myself up and putting myself down for what I did wrong, I am going to try to love myself in spite of my mistakes. I am going to be grateful that I have learned this lesson, and will not ever do it again. I just have to let it go. Focus on the positive and why we are all here. I could apologize until I am blue in the face, but the only thing that will make it better is consistent, unconditional love.

You fall, you get up. You fall, you get up. I am working on this.

32 Birthday

2009-08-06T19:32:00.001-07:00

I have to say, it was one of the most wonderful birthday's I have ever had. 32 is going to be a great year if this past week is any inclination for what is in store.

I was able to spend time with my family this weekend. Able to work and make a little money. Had my FAVORITE southern meal, which is my mom's friend chicken (Granny Beach's batter) fried Squash, rice and tomatoes & my mom also made her famous mac and cheese, and I made a cucumber salad. It was one of those amazing days where I got a clean bill of health from Doc, got to wist through memory lane while driving through savannah, go the the farmers' market and buy fresh tomatoes and cucumbers. Then get a great pedicure with my mom, then we went to the house and started cooking. The Kitchen in beaufort is so large that it is easy for 2 people to work at the same time and was really nice to be able to do that with her. The whole gang came over and we all had a really wonderful night.

Then tuesday night, Marty came up and took me to Pho Bac and to see the movie Away we Go. It was quirky and funny yet it covered alot of serious issues. Then wednesday morning he took me to 3 Birds for breakfast. On the way home, we stopped at some house and I didn't know what was going on, but he got me 8 piano lessons from this guy down the street. So I can pick up practicing on the piano again. Then we went to yoga in which I dedicated my practice to my mom. After that, he took me to my favorite bakeshop, Sugar, and I was going to get a red velvet cupcake, but just as I went to order it, Marty said the he was there for a pick-up...he got me a WHOLE cake. Red velvet, of course...so we went home and I listened to tony's message, because he sang Happy Birthday, made a wish and blew out my one purple candle...then it was upstairs to read an email that MaMa had sent me. Kirk did a reading for me, and I must say, that he hit the nail on the head...all the way through. THEN I got a two hour massage from Marty, who has such healing hands....I think my yoga practice was so strong today because of that massage. Then we went to see the documentary, Food Inc., which i am not even going to get into now other than to say I am going to be even more conscious and careful of the foods I buy, eat, support...and that I am disgusted. Not just as the food part of it, but the entire industry.

After that, we came home took showers and called a rickshaw to take us to FIG...in which case I can say, the Food is Good...but not great. And this isn't just because I think Sean's food is the best, because it is...BUT the appetizers there are amazing. My steak was wonderful, but the pork...well, I think I could have done the same in a crock pot. I will say though, we chose there only because I didn't want to go to McCrady's and make a fuss about my birthday and impose on the kindness that I receive when I am there, but also because FIG buys local and organic...so it fits my standards.

After we walked to Muse to see one of our favorite bartenders and enjoy the beautiful evening. Eventually we sat outside, it was a gorgeous night...the moon was full and it was slightly breezy...we had some great conversations...it got a little tough for a second, but we both handled it so much better than we used to. To top off the night we got a ride home from Matt, and I ate some pasta noodles and cuddled up to my best friend. I feel so lucky, so blessed. I have walking on air.

And if it seems it couldn't get any better....it does. I am going to NYC next week. It's been a year, and I am finally ready. Dani got us tickets to see Tori Amos thursday night. We will hopefully be going to WD-50 friday night....and in between working on her new apartment, going to the Guggenhiem, seeing old friends & new restaurants, I hope to be able to soak up the city I love so much and maybe even go to a Jivamukti class. We shall see.

Tomorrow is Andrea's first day back. I am getting up to go to the 8:30 class. I must say, I have missed the energy of her and Jeffrey while they have been in India. I look forward to the stories. With that said, I wish all of you out there the love and joy I feel. It is the best high I have ever had....I am finally clear on the path that i want to travel and even though I may fall, i know that I will keep getting back up, because I am sure that I am going in the right direction, finally.

ramblings

2009-07-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in so long....and I find myself wondering why I feel like I am wriggling a little. I still have not yet been able to come back to balance. In this past month I have not done yoga very often, I have gone out more than usual, bought chantix again today..just a month supply and I have a plan of how to get it all back on track, but I feel....anxious. maybe a little frustrated and lost. I am not really sure why...I keep telling myself to just breath. Just be patient and kind to myself, it will all come. But the bills keep coming in and I have only been paid for two jobs. The little black book still hasn't come out...that's a month late. My upstairs AC crapped out on me and they are are wanting me to pay close to $600 for that, which I am trying to refute and my hopes are still high.

On a positive note, everything really is okay...My DUI got reduced to a careless driving, which is simply a fine. I don't think I could be more grateful. I ended up doing some work for the arresting officer which was nice to begin with, but then my fears of him taking my kindness and generosity the wrong way makes me uneasy. He hasn't been out of the way at all with me, it's just the fear that he could be thinking of something more that makes me uncomfortable. I wonder if it would be the same if I were married...but why do I have to comply with societies comforts? Why can't my chosen way of life be accepted as well? Why is it that if a woman is young, fairly attractive and unmarried seen as available to all people simply because she is kind and generous. A part of me at first wanted to be naive and say that he wasn't thinking that at all, but then he invited me to an outing with him and his kids...no work involved. And what I don't understand is why would a 40 year old man think that I would want to get involved in such a sticky situation. I mean, it may seem attractive to him, but to a young,independent, strong woman....his situation does not. And it's not just him, or this...but why do I have such a hard time wrapping my head around "it's just the way things are..or the way people are."

I guess with that mentality I can understand why mediocre or substandard food gets held in high regard. What is to really be expected of a society or people who hold the wealthy and the celebrities to some ridiculously high standard that isn't really based on merit?

I need to not think of these things. It isn't productive. Then again, there I go judging. I wonder if others have these questions? I wonder what can be done about it? For me, I just have to keep believing in myself...even if it doesn't seem to be "in-line" with the normal or status quo.

I am going to finish my post about the West Coast tour..there is still so much to tell, that I don't ever want to forget, but for now, I have to go finish spaghetti.

new perspective

2009-07-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't finished the rest of the west coast tour....but I am here now and need to dispense. I have been on a a day of trying to help friends out. I truly hope that in the process of just being there that I have...but I realize that you never know...you are only dispensing your perspective of the situation and whereas, you hope it helps...you truly never know.

I feel that in both cases today that I gave the best of myself...but at the same time, I am not at my best. Since I have returned from this west coast tour with Dani, I have hard time of letting go of smoking and drinking wine. I think a large part of the excuse is that I have hard time relating to people. I lived for 2.5 weeks on my own terms and by my own rules, and only bending a little for someone I know, understand, and love very much....and since then, I have had a hard time re-adjusting.

On top of that, I am a little concerned about my court day on wednesday. There is nothing more can do to help this situation. It is what it is, and I have to let go and trust in the universe. As much as I want to do that, I am afraid. Afraid of the outcome and what it could mean for me and my new business. I mean, if it doesn't go well, i have to one of two things....get another job to pay for the insurance, or ask my parents to help me...neither one sounds like something I want to do.

I realized just yesterday that that I had the business card of Jill Maynard. She is the wife of the man who got killed the night after my DUI.... I don't even know how to feel about that. I remember being in jail, and not knowing how I got there...not knowing if I hurt or killed someone, not remembering ANYTHING. and that was terrifying. I remember being cold and doing sun salutations just to keep me warm. I remember the Jehovah Witness woman.....and wondering why she was there but not wanting to ask because I was hoping she was divine intervention. I remember being mean to some dude, who seemed to be regular. He was trying to flirt and get cheeky with me and needless to say, my attitude hit a new height.

Tonight I have been talking on the phone to several people, whom I adore very much....and in one of those conversations, God became a big topic. It isn't often you can talk about religion with people and have it go well, but it did.And I was strangely grateful, considering we were both slightly inebriated.

I know for most of my life i have been disconnected from a feeling of the greater whole. and in the past few years it has started to make sense to me in ways that I couldn't previously imagine. I only know this, WHATEVER makes you a better person, is goodl I say this to everyone I know. Even if I don't subscribe to it, or understand it...if it brings you love and peace...it is right by me.....and i could only hope, by GOD too.

I have to go to bed at this point...too tired. I will own up and say I haven't been to yoga the past two days and I feel a little sad about it...but this is where I am today.....and I have to be okay with it, so I am working on that..

Time for me

2009-07-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

That is what I decided I needed to do this Independence Day...have some time for me. To reflect on this AMAZING experience i just shared with Danielle. To collect my thoughts. Get my camera and computer fixed, which I did today, and take the time to write down as much as I can about what we shared. If nothing else, just some bullet points to laugh at, for years to come.

The last thing thing that i wrote was in Yosemite. We never did eat that night...just drank our two bottles of wine, bathed, blogged, then talked and slept. The next morning we got up and I was starving..this was a common theme on the trip. I was always hungry and Dani was hardly ever hungry. While we were getting our lunch, which that BLT was amazing, we were trying to decide what tattoo to get while we were in San Fran. The town we stayed in outside of Yosemite was called Mariposa, Dani says it so sexy, so we decided it would be a butterfly. Transformations and all, but I didn't want a "cutesy" butterfly. So the logo of the restaurant that we ate in, is what we decided on.

We get to San Fran...Dani is having conversations in her head and only sharing the tail end of them...we find the hotel, walk around and it's cold, and windy. Then we go back to the hotel to get changed for dinner at her friend Jamie's restaurant, Absinthe. Jamie and Danielle have been friends since they were kids. Both grew up on the Upper East side, and the stories that they shared that night were hysterical. Jamie is also a celebrity because of season 4 of Top Chef, and I must say, she is so much cuter in person. The camera does add weight and those chef coats do nothing for her cute little figure. But her food, was really phenomenal. The chilled corn soup is the best I have ever had. Loved the spice in her oysters and I "ate myself stupid" on that shoulder of pork.

Some other friends of Dani's met up with us, Chris and Enies. This is about the time the shots of patron happened. Dani LOVES patron. Enies helped me with mine, because I don't usually like to mix...by the end of trip, this didn't hold true...but no need to skip ahead. So we then go to this Lesbian party where we danced our butts off. And eventually took a cab back to the hotel somewhere around 2:30. It's hazy from that point on, but I think Dani wanted to go back out with her friends...but that didin't happen.. She did however wake up fully clothed. :-)

The next day we decided to get up and explore a bit and find a place to get our tattoos. We had decided on one place out of the 4 that Jamie gave us, but we thought we would walk there...someone had said it would take an hour or so, but we thought we could do it. After a few hours, getting a text that Michael Jackson had died, and Dani still trying to take care of her car situation back in New York...we decided to get a cab. We didn't have an address, just a general location. When we get out, we see this other tattoo parlor that was on Jamie's list, and even though it wasn't the one we had decided upon, after finding out the one we had wanted was 10 blocks in the other direction, we decided to give Mom's tattoo parlor a try, and I am so glad that we did.

I think I will have to pause here for the night...finally getting sleepy. it's almost 3 again. Still trying to adjust back to east coast time. I will say that I have a very successful day getting my camera fixed, my computer fixed, clothes washed...I even made myself chicken-n-dumplings. On top of that I decided to throw away some old love letters and such that I have held onto for years. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I think i held onto them as proof that someone or someones' had "loved" me...and i just don't feel the need to have that proof anymore. I think because I have finally decided to love me, for me. Even if no one else does...which I know that I have people who love me, dearly, and I am so very grateful for that. But I want to be present with what is in front of me, right now. Not what was, or what could have been...but what is here, now. It is something that I couldn't have done 4 weeks ago, but I am so thankful to be able to do it now.

Facing my fears

2009-06-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin...it is now 9:30 west coast time and Dani and I have been up since 4:30..we still have to shower and soak, because neither one of us can hardly walk...and I don't know if my brain will hold out long enough to explain this day, but I am going to try.

Danielle is my friend who pushes me physically. This is her way of addressing and overcoming her fears. It is because of her visit to me last fall in Charleston, where she made me run the bridge with her that I got the idea to run the 10K earlier this year. And I did, and I ran the whole way.

Well, on this trip the one thing she really wanted to do was hike the Half Dome in Yosemite. I have not ever done anything like this before so I was a bit nervous, afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it, or get hurt, or who knows...and this in turn I thought would let her down and myself too...so not the case, just all in my head.

Anyway, we get up this morning at 4:30, it's still dark out. We drive the winding roads from Mariposa (spanish for butterfly) listening to Jack Johnson and watching the night turn into day. Was amazing all in itself. We arrive at the park around 6, grab a coffee, park, find a bathroom and start our adventure...She is pumped and excited, I am all quiet,tired and scared. We start out, this absolutely beautiful day, going 2 miles in the wrong direction...so we turn around and head 6 miles or so up these sets of trails.

When you start at the bottom of mountains and look up at the top of them and see these glorious waterfalls that you know you are going to pass on the way, and be there at some pont....it is daunting to say the least. We go through the misty trail, the waterfall, stopping along the way to drink water, for me to eat, to chat with others, and basically get our breath. We are hiking up to an elevation of 8,800 and something feet.

I at some point took my watch off when I was re-applying sunscreen only to realize 20 minutes later that I had left it....Dani, being the powerhouse that she is goes back down to get it for me..as I wait. She retrieves it, I still owe her a shot of Patron for this one, and carry on up the mountain.

This is difficult, physically, mentally, psychologically, all of it, to say the least. But then we get to the bottom of the Dome and I am starting to really become terrified of this hike. There is no guard rails, it is an insanely steep climb on these rock steps...and she is "coaching" me all along the way. But when I saw that last 900 straight up vertical climb....i have to say, all my fears, came rushing in and overwhelmed me. I had to stop for a moment.....and pray.

At this point, I have eaten very little. She is out of her 2 liters of water and mine is almost done too. On top of that, the people who are climbing, look like ants....my knees give out on me and all I can do is ask God to please help me to finish this hike....Please be with me, Please help me to face these fears, Please help me to overcome them.

And somehow....I did....I was scared, no terrified...all I could think of was what if I fall...there is so much I want to do in this life. So much I have not experience yet, so much I haven't seen....and I tell myself... Just have Faith. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep your head down. Don't look up, Don't look out, just one foot in front of the other....BE HERE NOW!

So we make it up the crazy winding stairs...of course I thinking all this has to be done again, except downhill...but DON'T think of that now...just one foot in front of the other...ONE STEP AT A TIME! And we did...we made it!

There vertical climb has two steel ropes that is less that 2-3 feet wide...There is people in front and behind and at times you are just hanging on there, waiting on people to pass you coming down as you go up....it's beyond scary. But once we got up there, Dani had her release. We stayed for a bit before we began our decent....

So 900 vertical feet back down...people are holding up the line...we saw people of all ages, races, sizes, you name it, there were on that mountain, feeling some of the same and some were more brave then even I would know how to explain...Once we got down that we had the winding step again...with no rails and still you are on the top of this mountain knowing that if you slip...shit..you're done. On top of that, I have the knowledge that someone died here 3 weeks ago...but I kept putting that out of my mind....just one foot in front of the other..I am going at a baby's pace...but I don't care. And as i am coming down, I start to cry...not like a little bit...but sob. Dani grabbed me and gave me a big hug and kept saying we did it!! And I knew we had, even though we still had so far to go.

I cannot put into words what this day did for me, for her, for us. I know that she and I accomplished something individually and together that is beyond our wildest dreams...I know that i will be able to face my fears from this point on with a newfound perspective that I did not have before.

The beginning of the decent was the same as what we had already done before. We were both overwhelmed, exhausted...I was hungry...and we were both out of water and had to use the bathroom...which there was not alot of bathrooms on this trail...but we did run into our same group that was ahead of us, and they pump us some water into our packs, which was better than gold at that point.

We then also made a new friend, Preston. He was completely out of water, so we gave him some of our water tablets...and then helped him to find a stream. He proved to be a great walking companion for us both. We had great conversation to keep us all going...we were all a bit loopy at this point...our knees hurt, especially Dani's and his....and strangely, because i knew we were done with the hard part, as far as I was concerned, I got this burst of energy that even Dani didn't understand.

The way I see it, is the Yin and the Yang of it all. She was pumped going up, I was pumped going down....so we supported each other when we both needed it the most.

I don't know if this posting has done what we experienced today, any justice....but I am beyond exhausted, and It is my turn to shower and bathe...and I am disgusting at this point so...I must go.

I will close with saying we were smart enough to purchase wine yesterday when we where in Yosemite before we went to see the Sequoias. So we are enjoying that now, with no dinner, but loving life...and grateful.....grateful to have had this experience, grateful to be here....so much gratitude and love.

Sunday night

2009-06-22T01:57:00.000-07:00

We have seen and done so much in such a little time that I have to write the "short, short version."

Bacara is an absolutely amazing resort in Santa Barbara, stay there when someone else is paying for it.

The drive from Santa Barbara through Big Sur is one of the most beautiful things I have ever, and probably will ever see. You have the sun setting over the mountains and then the water crashing into them and people are right, there is just something in the energy there. Dani and I did not want to leave.

Monterey is pretty, the people are nice. Carmel is even better. You must do the 17 mile drive through Pebble Beach, it's worth the 10 bucks. So beautiful, I hope that the people there appreciate the luxury and are not so busy working that they never get to see the beauty there.

Dani and found a cute french bistro that night and shared some wine, cured meat, and cheese. We also had a coming to Jesus with each other which I think was much needed and it helped me to realize that I need to be more aware of how what I say, effects the people I love. And that just as I am changing in certain ways, the people that i love are too and that may not be the same but we can still treat each other with respect and compassion. Because I do love her so.

We then got up this morning and drove to Pinnacle National Park. Amazingly we did this hike that covered the entire place in 6 hours. Also beautiful and amazing and I think just what we needed to quieten our minds and let go....."Here comes the sun " by Nina Simone will always be this day.

Then there was the McDonalds indulgence...and all I can say is that after that hike, I can eat anything......I didn't eat much today, at least for me, and Dani ate even less. I even ate the piece of oatmeal bar that I dropped on the ground, but I was past caring after looking down the High Peak hike, and the almost falling, and then there was the snake...so food, was good!

I will say that you can't always trust the Garmin...sometimes you just have to have a trusty map. But we made it here anyway, took long over-due showers...and we are about to pass out. It's after 2am and my body is exhausted...Dani is over there icing her knee and commenting on how "short" all of the curtains are in our lodging establishment. I think we passed sanity a few hours ago. But we are having the time of our lives. I wouldn't exchange this experience for anything. I know that we will look back and realize how much we learned about ourselves, and yes, each other, and love and grow more because of it.

With that said, I am turning in. I hope to write more soon. There is so much that I am leaving out, but I will get to that later.

West Coast Tour

2009-06-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

Dani and I have begun our West Coast Tour. I cannot tell you how very grateful I am to be able to be here. We are currently in Santa Barbara, staying at this really posh resort Bacara. I have felt like a kid in a candy store the whole time....traveling for me is like being a kid again;everything is new and exciting and it's like having new eyes. I get this rush of adrenaline that keeps me going, even though we have had very little sleep.

So far we have been very busy with company functions. Today was the first day that we got to go at our own pace and just explore Santa Barbara. Tomorrow we are going sailing and then we will leave on friday to start driving up PCH 1 to Carmel and Big Surr.

Since I am exhausted and going to bed soon, i will have to write more later, but i will add that I finally heard back from an old friend and with the information that i received I will finally be able to close that chapter in my book. I feel a weight has been lifted and for that I am grateful.

So sweet dreams to you all with Lots of love and light.

Still catching up...

2009-06-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

So much has been going on and I haven't been documenting it as well as I would like. I think i have been pushing it too hard in some areas and not hard enough in others. We all look for that balance.

What I wanted to write about last time was my very first client, Debbie. I had met with her only a week before I did her work. And her budget was small, $500 to begin with, but I do believe she will be an ongoing client. She is getting married in September and needs to save money for that event, but she also wants to make room for her soon to be husband, who is moving in with her in August.

So from everything that she told me, and with some divine intervention, I was able to re-arrange her existing furniture, surprise her with a duvet cover and curtains, fix her toilet handle, and glue a wooden chair that was broken. All of this for a grand total or $360.00 and that includes my pay. I was feeling good when I left her house. But what really made my weekend was when she called me and told me she was "over the moon!" I had already decided earlier that day that I love my job and I feel very fortunate that this is all happening. But to hear her excitement in her voice to know that things will flow more smoothly for her in her home, just makes me feel good.
Now all i need to do is get more clients.

My plan for that is advertising in "The little Black Book." It's a free publication here that is printed quarterly, and the July, August, September issue is the Home issue. So the timing seems perfect. They called me one wednesday while I was at Celedon (a home store) and said that I had been referred to them. They decided that I should push the "Handywoman" angle in my add to grab people's attention, and what they mean by that is using a picture of me in a tool belt.
I was hesitant at first but I realized that whatever gets people's attention is okay with me...it will still say Design. Organize. Decorate. But all of that will be read after they see the picture of this dolled up woman, in a tool belt. It still makes me laugh, but in a good way.

This past weekend was spent with my family which was wonderful but a little trying. Hanging out with each of them individually is so much easier but I want all of us to be able to be together and it not be stressful. That is my hope and I think that will come with time, patience and love.

I watched two heart wrenching movies; Revolutionary Road, and The Boy in Striped Pajamas.
I will have to expand on them later but I highly recommend both.
So I get back into town yesterday, ran errands, did some work and then Saramel's birthday Harbor cruise. I am still processing that one too.

Today was not very productive because of my choices last night, but I did have a wonderful day and eventually made it out to the beach to spend a few hours with my friends Mary and Christy, whom I love dearly...so the day was not wasted.

I am getting ready for bed. Getting up in the morning to go to yoga, I have missed it alot. And this months focus is addiction, so i want to be present for it as much as possible.

Playing "Catch-Up"

2009-06-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in so long, I do not know where to begin...and that exact pressure is what has kept me from beginning, so I am going to start (it may be in the middle) and just let it all flow.

My Ker-bear, my girl, my soulmate came into town and spent memorial day weekend with me. There are not enough words to express my love and gratitude for her. Being with her is easier than being with myself at times...and it wasn't always that way, we have worked hard for that. So I am as proud as I am grateful. But that's a side note....Keri and I dive deep with one another...she is the first person I have ever met who put all of her cards down...at least with me...and I guess we have been pushing and pulling each other ever since. I finally know and believe with every molecule of my being that she and i are connected, have always been and will always be. So we talked, ate amazing food, walked the market, hung out with my parents, went to the Angel Oak, ate some more, went to Yoga..and she loved it, watched 2 amazing movies, and drank and smoked and stayed up really late and just completely let go. It was so loving and therapeutic, I think exactly what we both needed. What we both learned that weekend, I think we are still processing and will be for much time to come.

As a side note she took some great pictures of me, and us...and that is a big thing for me to say, because I have not liked many pictures of me, in the past few years.....but, she does know me, knows how to let me shine, serves as my mirror when necessary and helps me to see what is good and beautiful about me. I feel so lucky, I hope everyone has a Kerilyn.

After I took Ker to the airport, I cried and drove to Beaufort to see my nephew Gavin. He has gotten so big and adorable. Still don't know if I would want children or not, but I do know that want the option. And If I do have children, my hope is to be SO much myself, that I can benefit them with my love, strength, courage, and grace. And I feel the only way to learn how to be a great mother, is to be all of that to yourself first. I try not to think about it too much and just leave it in the hands of the universe.

I then had the wonderful opportunity to experience Gurmukh and Snatam. Again, another event I am still trying to soak in.....I did have a small breakthrough in class where I felt what is was like to float out of my body for a moment and yet I was so still and at peace. I assume this is what mediation is really suppose to feel like. I know I want to do again and again. Gurmukh has such a light about her...she is this etheral presence yet, she is still so human. She tell stories in a way that I think everyone can relate to...I just want to listen to her for hours. I could also listen to the Snatam sing forever, I decided that in my mind if the voice of God is similar to Krishna Das, then the sound that comes from Snatam would be all the angels in heaven around him. She has a way of making me cry everytime I hear her...I think it's the soulful childlike quality that she has...and well her face is like an angel. I do not know much about Kundalini yoga, but I do believe I will learn more and more with time.

As I am writing all of this, I realize why my energy is so off this week...and I say off, because I have been unbelievable tired the past few nights, and I haven't been able to figure out why...but as I am typing all of this, I realize that I have been on these strong waves of emotions for a couple of weeks now. I mean I haven't even dove that deep on what all has happened and I am not even half way through writing it all...but at least now I understand why I have been feeling so wiped out.

I think I will take a break, and start another post in a few.

Marriage and Commitment

2009-05-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered what a healthy relationship looks like. How would I know when I have met the man I am suppose to spend the rest of my life with? How do I know that I am supposed to travel down that road? And if I do, what's the most important qualities to look for? I am sure the fact that I want to jump his bones has very little to do with it...because that will surely fade, or the frequency in which I want will, otherwise, how would we get anything done? But really what's the most important. I have always said, I want to marry my best friend...but I don't want to have sex with any of my best friends...so maybe I need to make adjustments to my statement. Funny, when considering what I want in a man, it has very little to do with physicality or their bank roll. Whereas someone who is very attractive and makes a decent living is an added bonus, what I really want to know is written in "The Invitation." I will post this separately, it deserves it's own. My best friend, Kerilyn, gave it to me years ago. And I must say, I think if I stick to that, and what is written below, should I ever commit to someone else, we will be very happy together.

May 27, 2009
Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment
Deciding Whether To Marry

Though we may make many commitments throughout our time on earth, few have a lifelong impact on the path our lives will take. The decision to marry someone you love—to bond yourself to them completely—is unlike any other and can reshape your existence. When two people have similar goals, values, and needs, marriage can result in a lifetime partnership of love and respect, shared laughter and tears, friendship, and intimacy that is ultimately fulfilling. Love is often cited as the sole prerequisite of a strong and stable married life. However, the decision to get married should be made with the mind and the soul as well as with the heart. Carefully considering whether you truly want to get married, both individually and as a couple, can ensure that if you do choose to marry, your relationship can grow to unimaginable depths.

The decision-making process you employ to determine whether you should marry should be a thoughtful and honest one in which you appraise not only your partner but also yourself. Consider that love and attraction do not guarantee long-term compatibility. If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional or spiritual gaps in your life. Before you choose to marry, ask yourself whether you and your partner are adept at resolving conflict, can speak openly to one another, and fully respect one another. Your attitudes regarding the nature of marital commitment, children and child rearing, and marital roles may be the same or they may differ. It is your shared responsibility to discuss your similarities and come to agreements regarding your differences that will predict how successful yo! ur future marriage will be. Often times, younger couples rush into marriage just for the wedding dress, the ring, the party, and honeymoon. Would you still be willing to be married if you couldn’t have these things?

Remember that planning a wedding is simple when compared to the intricacies of nurturing a marriage. The honeymoon and nesting period will eventually wear off, and what you are left with is a partner for life. When you work together with your partner, reassure and support one another, and are honest about your feelings regarding marriage, you’ll come to the right decision.

From "Daily Om"

2009-05-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

Daily Om is a web newsletter that my friend Kerilyn recieves and I just signed up for, but this is one she sent to me that resonates with one of my largest battles....that I am overcoming. Today even. As I was driving back from Beaufort, I decided to take full advantage of the beautiful day and the fact that I own a convertible and put the top down...after 10 minutes or so it started to drizzle so I pulled over and put the top up. A few minutes later, it cleared. So I laughed at myself, because at the first sign of rain, I protected myself.....so I pulled back over and put the top back down and decided it was going to remain that way until I got home to Charleston.

Wouldn't you know it...I saw the darkest rain clouds to my left....but the sun was shining so brightly to my right and I could FEEL IT. I could FEEL the warmth, the belief, the positive energy, I could feel God. This brought tears to my eyes...I have been waiting to "FEEL IT" for so long, and wouldn't you know I was listening to this old song and one of the words is "I cry out to God seeking only his decision, Gabrielle stands and confirms I created my own prison." In that moment, I knew EVERYTHING had happened, and was happening for a reason....and that I had done just that in the past, I had created my own prison. But I am not doing that anymore. I realize that I can create my own life. It can be whatever I want it to be, all I have to do is believe and make the choice to be happy...to FEEL the love, to look at the sunny side of the street. It was all right there in front of me...by being present, in the moment. It was one of my "Aha!" moments.

And it did drizzle again, but I never felt the rain. Not literally or metaphorically.

An Unwavering Connection to the Infinite
Worth

Though much of who and what we are changes as we journey through life, our inherent worth remains constant. While the term self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem, the two qualities are inherently different. Self-esteem is the measure of how you feel about yourself at a given moment in time.=2 0Your worth, however, is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, your good works, or how much you have accomplished. Rather it is immeasurable and unchanging manifestation of your eternal and infinite oneness with the universe. It represents the cornerstone of the dual foundations of optimism and self-belief. Your worth cannot be taken from you or damaged by life’s rigors, yet it can easily be forgotten or even actively ignored. By regularly acknowledging your self-worth, you can ensure that you never forget what an important, beloved, and special part of the universe you are.

You are born worthy—your worth is intertwined with your very being. Your concept of your own self-worth is thus reinforced by your actions. Each time you endeavor to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met, and broaden your horizons, you express your recognition of your innate value. During those periods when you have lost sight of your worth, you will likely feel mired in depression, insecurity, and a lack of confidence. You’ll pursue a counterfeit worth based on judgment rather than the beauty that resides within. When you feel worthy, however, you will accept yourself without hesitation. It is your worth as an individual who is simultaneously interconnected with all living beings that allows you to be happy, confident, and motivated. Because your conception of your worth is not based on the fulfillment of=2 0expectations, you’ll see your mistakes and failures as just another part of life’s jo! urney.

Human beings are very much like drops of water in an endless ocean. Our worth comes from our role as distinct individuals as well as our role as an integral part of something larger than ourselves. Simply awakening to this concept can help you rediscover the copious and awe-inspiring worth within each and every one of us.

Juggling

2009-05-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

I have been juggling alot today. Trying to check things off the list and little surprises have continued to happen, and instead of looking at it as slowing me down I have decided to welcome it and adjust accordingly.

My girl Keri gets in tomorrow and I am so excited to see her and just spend time with her. So I have been cleaning up the house and trying to get things "just so" for her arrival. It isn't that she expects it, but this must be a woman thing...it's a way of putting your best foot forward, I guess. I mean she has known me long enough that I don't need to try to impress her, she loves me already...I just think it is funny how we do these rituals. No judgement. :-)

I also got some really AMAZING news. I have my very first job at Honeydew For Hire, tomorrow morning. My client's name is Debbie, which reminds me of my Aunt. And it could not have come at a better time. I will have to admit that I was feeling a little scared today about taking this very big, yet unbelievable trip with Dani when i haven't made any real money yet. I mean, what I am thinking spending money before I make it? But I during yoga the thought came up that I needed to have faith, to trust in the universe, to put out there what I need, and to just keep on doing that, and it would come to me. And it's like the universe is conspiring in my favor. I feel so lucky!

Then another amazing thing happened tonight. I went to the Redux opening for Jeff Zimmerman. Very cool guy...you can tell he can "Walk with kings and keep his virtue, yet not lose the common touch." I was a little self conscious and uncomfortable. I felt awkward walking in there alone, and a little over dressed for the event. But I held my head up, and made conversation with people and made it through it. I was a little let down by a situation, but my friend Rachel, who is so wise beyond her years, helped me to see things clearly. She helped me to understand that I need to ask myself, "how does the situation benefit me? Is the situation in line with what I am seeking?" Either way, I have my answer. Sounds so simple doesn't it? But when your me, which that could prove to be difficult, the lines of what is taking care of one's self and what is just being selfish. What is doing a nobel and good deed for someone that I would truly enjoy and it benefits me, or do I just do it because feel obliged to do it? It's really hard for me to differentiate at times. So I depend on my closest friends to sort of help me with my moral compass, until I can get mine working properly. Which makes me realize I DO trust people. And that makes me feel good. Because a year ago, I didn't really know who I could trust and i realize now, that was about me, and had nothing to do with any of my friends. I was just in a really low, guarded, pissed-off state.

It makes me laugh even as I type it! I will not say that i wasted time, but I can definitely think of better ways to spend it these days....and I am so very grateful for that realization and the wonderful friends and family in my life. I am truly blessed.

Celebrating Rachel

2009-05-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

What an amazing night. I didn't over-do it, it was just right.

Dinner at McCrady's with Rachel for her Graduationn celebration. There is so much about her that reminds me of me,and so much of her that doesn't and inspires me. She is a truly beautiful person and I am so grateful that she asked me to go to dinner with her. I was nervous at first, I will be honest. For two reasons, I am going there friday night and because I know she has switched to a vegan diet and I wasn't sure how the kitchen would respond if Chef wasn't there. But, I was perfect. I started with the warm asparagus app. and then had wild ramp pasta app. I am not usually a pasta fan, but this was handmade spinach past a with wild ramps, morels, crab and some sort of cheese. Both dishes were unbelievable and I had first thought that i was so hungry I could have eaten way more, and I could, but it would have been eating for sport not for nourishment.

There was so much more that happened today, but I am barely keeping my eyes open as I type, so i will say adieu and try to write more tomorrow day.

A Great Loss

2009-05-18T19:53:00.001-07:00

Tired today. I have had a most wonderful weekend, with Marty in Charlotte, and at IKEA....been busy with putting things together, emailing prospective clients and grocery shopping. Then I went to yoga only to find out that Pattabhi Jois passed today http://www.kpjayi.org/

I don't know how to begin to explain this other than it is a great loss for mankind..... Because he lived the way he did... he changed thousands if not millions of lives, in the most profound way. I am sad that I didn't know him better, but what he left behind is still available for lifetimes to come.

I am also sad because I saw my teacher, Andrea, very upset by this. She was trying to set up before class, as usual, but she kept breaking down and crying. It broke my heart...her husband isn't here to console her, and no one in the class seemed to approach her, so I got up and followed her to the back room to offer her a hug, but she didn't seem really receptive so that made me even more sad...for her. You can tell she has great love, devotion, reverence, for him, yet I don't understand her distance from regular everyday people, like myself I do not wish to judge it, i just wish I could understand. I know that a hug doesn't make it different, and that is something that i wanted to do, and I have to look at it as not necessarily something that she wanted.

But it was an uncomfortable class to say the least...it felt hostile, heavy. sad...and i came away feeling the latter. I have been unable to shake it all night. Maybe i am not suppose to. Maybe I should just sit with the uncomfortableness.

I wish I had a hug...i am remembering the ones I have received today, and it reminds me to be grateful. We shall all pass at some point, but how we live, is left up to us.

Day 3

2009-05-15T11:30:00.001-07:00

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity" -Einstein

Still thinking about this one....I will return later.

Day 2-Great Expectations

2009-05-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

The day started with Krishna Das. The a quick look at my phone, a long email from an old friend. Old emotions try to resurface. I go to Habitat. 15-20 of college kids from Villanova this week on top of the regular thursday crew. That's alot of people in a small space, not judging it...just stating facts. The rain comes down after lunch, so our work day was cut short. I come home since I feel this hole inside of me...my body wants to eat....I guess to fill the void. So I start to do things that i think may fix it. Finally, I responded to my old friend and when I pushed back from the computer, the emptiness was gone. Then yoga class. I decided to dedicate this practice to my old friend and the mutual letting go of all that is unhealthy for us, individually and together. It was tough to stay focused but I kept coming back to the breath and remembering what the practice was for. I got up into shoulder stand for the first time, no help, no folded mat with blanket and then my teacher came over and assisted me into lotus. I would have gotten excited but I decided that when I can continuously do it, that's the time to get excited. Besides, I have 28 days left of just observing.

Wished a loved one a Happy Birthday, thanked God for putting them in my life. Came home, called my Dani-girl and it seems we will be taking a trip together. I am looking forward to the time and experience with her. Then I cooked dinner, watched Grey's with Julie and afterwards we talked about perception and I had told her of my experiment. And even when we say "I don't want to judge, BUT.....then we place down the judgement...why do we think that is a caviot? Better yet, I have said this at least one hundred times to different people in my life, but I finally understood how it relates to me in mine tonight...and the statement it what is normal for you, may be crazy for some one else....and vice versa. I don't just mean the "BIG" things...but everything. We as human beings can and will rationalize anything to make it work for us. And for example...I was thinking of a conversation my mom and i had the other day and she was telling me a story of a friend of hers and something that she had done to her. This friend has hurt her feelings...but the way she is telling the story implies that she would NEVER do this to a friend. And I have certainly been in that same position....where I would say, "Oh I would never do________to another person." Basically implying that anyone who does must not care, or must somehow be more of a neanderthal. Because if I ever did_____, or said______or chose to behave in that way, surely I would understand if someone reacted in_______way.

And the thing is...If I am honest with myself...I have probably done everything to someone else or just did it myself...that i hold someone else responsible for, and act all high and mighty and "how could they?" Just name it. I am sure I have done it, and if by chance I haven't, could I understand it? I think the answer would always be "yes." So then where is my compassion and understanding?

Why would I try to put people in a box, with a label? Just to make me feel safer? What is so great about feeling safe? And is that real? And what am I so upset about? If I take care of myself, and do not have expectations of other people, then I will be taken care of. And If I assume that other people are doing the same...because if you don't take care of you, who is supposed to? Then what would they have to be mad at me about? And if they were, would I really believe it was somehow my fault? That I really let them down in some way?

It's all very interesting to me, the unraveling of the layers.

Day 1

2009-05-13T21:27:00.001-07:00

First day of watching my thoughts and focusing on not judging myself, the situation, or anyone else. It has slowed down my thinking and my speech. I slipped up a few times, but caught it as soon as it escaped my mouth. By the end of the day, I was biting my nails....in which the probable cause, according to my book (Heal yourself A to Z) is Frustration. Eating away at the self. Spite of a parent. Sounds like it is on track...but I am not to judge, just notice.

And as I was walking into Charleston Green home, I heard this music that seemed to be playing to my condition, Band of Horses, and I decided to download them.

As I listen to them now, I think of how glad I am that I decided to do this little process...but see, that is me judging...giving myself kudos and the point is to not think too positively or negatively of any situation.

This process keeps me aware, and right now I am aware of how sleepy I am. So I will say Sweet Dreams, and I will write more later. xoy!

It's all connected

2009-05-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning still beating myself up a little...still a little too negative...and I stopped, mid thought and told my being to be grateful. stop complaining, stop with the mental abuse...focus on what is good and right instead. Something clicked and I did feel a little better. Then just as the universe knew what i needed,my soul-mate wrote an email about a troubling dream she had the night before. And I called her immediately because i completely understood what I and she were doing.

There is a little girl inside of all of us that is hurting and whenever we don't give her enough attention, she throws a temper tantrum. And whatever her "norm" is...if we deviate too far from that she is going to do whatever it takes to get you back to that. So if she is normally self deprecating and used to feeling rejected...she is going to seek that out....and do whatever it takes to your conscious self to get your attention. So after I talked with her, I felt an internal release, like that wounded little girl, let go. And i hope I helped my girl too.

I also went to see an old roomate of mine today...it's funny how little I remember from that time in college. I used to have such an amazing memory...but it's not as good as it used to be. I would be saddened by this, but in my case, I think it could be a good thing. For example I don't remember why we didn't remain roomates the following year? I do remember I always thought fondly of her. And to see her now, so happily married and with 3 beautiful children, warms my heart.

I wonder if us not living together the 3rd year had anything to do with me and my expectations. What I mean to say is that my expectations of myself in the past have been very high and therefor the people that I "let in" I have realized i have very high expectations for them too...the problem is, we are human and therefor we all fall..and if i am as hard on others as I was to myself yesterday, I owe alot of apologies.

I think I am going to focus on not being goal oriented for 30 days. I am going to just try to be positive, no matter what happens for 30 days....and not be judgemental of myself or anyone else for just 30 days. i need dry erase markers. I am going to write notes on my mirror to remind me. Or if you are reading this and hear me say anything judgemental about myself, anyone, or anything else....let me know. I am going to take the "ah-so" approach.

As a side note, I would like to say that I am so very grateful for everyone in my life; Family, Foes, and my chosen Family. I have learned so much about myself because of you and for that I am so very grateful. And one member in my chosen family is very sad right now and I just want to say that I love you, I believe in you, and you will get through this, I am here if you need me.

Getting up

2009-05-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

Why do I expect to be perfect? Do I think there is an award or prize for it? And how do i know that when I mess up that it is really a mistake? Maybe it's not....maybe I should change my perception.

I over reacted about something that was said to me. I took events, pieced them together and made my roomate out to be bad guy. I realize now that I fully expect for people to screw me over or at least try to. I am always waiting for them too...or for the rug to be pulled out from under neath me. Because of this anger I decided to come home and drink 2 bottles of wine with my friend and smoke cigarettes. I ended up getting sick, big surprise, and slept too late today. I felt like hell, I over reacted when I talked with roomate about what i had heard and so I have been sitting here trying to figure out why I did this to myself.

I think I hold on too tightly. I think I need to let go. I need to trust in the universe, in myself, in other people...I need to be kinder to myself and I need to stop beating myself up for not being more or less than I am. I need to know that i am good, by just being. I need to not see this a me going backwards. I need to not judge myself so harshly. I need to love me more.

The question is how? And I think it is one baby step at a time. By breathing in and out and changing my perception. By not calling it a mistake and judging it...i could call it a lesson instead and view it as a good thing. Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow i will remember to be more humble, to be kinder and less judgemental. Tomorrow I will remember to not over react and when the voices in my head tell me that "it's happening again, I am being taken advantage of or being a gullible idiot" I will tell them that they don't need to protect me anymore because I trust that everything really will be okay. and I will ask questions instead of making assumptions and I will believe that the world is good. And when I fall again, maybe it won't be so far or hard, and it will be easier to get back up.

Escape artist

2009-05-09T22:28:00.001-07:00

I have been watching my thoughts closely the past few days and I surprised at everything that comes up. I have been feeling a little lonely so my mind tries to fill the voids with fantasy or food or just craving in general....craving people, touch, closeness, to craving food, or smokes or anything for that matter....just craving. And I am doing a fairly good job of resisting everything but the food...I am not over indulging, but I have allowed myself to eat things that I wouldn't normally eat that often such as sweets.

I am not going to run away from myself this time...I am not going to allow myself to escape into fantasy & frolic. I am going to sit with it, no matter how uncomfortable and see if I can heal it this time...I have to love me, warts and all. And with that said, I have to sleep.

the crazys

2009-05-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

something is off....and I don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to focus on anything...could it be that I was up too late? I don't think so..it's possible, but it seems more than that. My brain keeps trying to run away from me. It wants dream about Hawaii in December and how to make that happen and how is that going to be possible when I haven't even gotten a job here yet...then it runs to "let's take care of tasks." I mean at least if I can't put my finger on what is bothering me I could at least finish my task list and be slightly productive.....Maybe it's a lack of coffee. I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel manic and all over the board.

I keep telling myself to just stay here...don't run. Don't turn on the tv, don't daydream, no shopping, no eating, no napping, no fillers, no substitutes...If I just wait, patiently maybe whatever IT is will reveal itself.

What is it that I want? And how do i go about getting there? What do I need to let go of? I will have to start a separate ongoing post for that, so I can add and change it along the way. Until then, I am going to just try to get through this day and be kind and patient with myself. It may not be the most outwardly productive, but that isn't what matters most anyway.

"Stuff" coming up

2009-05-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

What an emotional day. I do not know where it all stems from, but from what I am told, doing intense yoga, or going deeply into certain poses will make alot of your "stuff" come up...and I guess that is what is happening to me.

I got to spend a good portion of the day with my brother and sweet pea. And I noticed that I felt more uncomfortable than usual....like being me wasn't somehow under the microscope and that I was being looked at like something unusual. I kept trying to brush it off or tell myself that it was just me being self conscious or something...but when they left, I felt exhausted and I even had a headache......and i just couldn't understand. I mean, I love my brother, so very much.....and i know he loves me...so I felt really confused about it. I was so tired, I didn't even want to go to yoga.
Fortunately I made myself, and i so glad that I did.

This was my most powerful Rockasana class ever! I was able to do poses that I didn't even know I could do...and I let Andrea push me into poses and it didn't hurt...I let go....and then I wondered...why do I let go with her, and not with the other teachers? And the first thing that popped into my head was that it's because they are men....and ultimately, I don't trust men. I think that if I am honest with myself I feel that the demise of the women I have known have been because of the men in their life....and the power over them that they gave them...so I resist. I resist them helping, I resist letting them in, I resist believing that they love me, for me, without me having to DO anything.....and also that the love is going to go away at any moment.

I got home tonight, called the other m, and cried......which felt really good...but it's amazing the "stuff" that is coming up. I even said I don't know who to trust...and he says "yourself." It sounds so easy....and I bet it is, If I would just trust myself, and let go of the past....

It amazes me how so much of what i do, isn't really who I am or want to be...it's just old, bad habits. It is what has become normal for me....dare I even say comfortable. But I realize that it is more of a discomfort that I am used to. So maybe I don't say bad habits...maybe I do not label it anymore...maybe I don't judge it, I just decide if it is conducive to the life that I (ME, JUST MYSELF) want to live. And so what if no one else likes it, or approves, or gets it....so what? I get alot of the other stuff, but I don't agree that it is healthy, at least not for me.

So do I dare, breathe more deeply tonight? Sleep more peacefully?Trust that I am changing into the person I so desire to be and that is enough for one day? Do I forgive myself for everything up until this point and decide to just LET IT GO? I am slowly prying my fingers away...one hand holds on, while the other is reaching away...but soon, I know...I will let go.

Letting go...

2009-05-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

Everything that I have come in contact with today has been about "Letting go." I think that it is interesting that I would keep running into that, today....but then again, there is no such thing as a coincidence. I am going to think about it more, and write later...but, it has been a truly wonderful day.

I want to read this over and over and over.

2009-05-03T21:27:00.001-07:00

Man of Peace

The teaching of yoga as found in Patanjali's Yoga Sutra does not say that violence is wrong or right or good or bad or justified or not. Patanjali does not pass a value judgment on any action for its own sake. He speaks to those who seek enlightenment, to those who want to disentangle themselves from the cycle of birth and death. To them he says choose your actions wisely, according to the results they will bring; be sure that those results are in alignment with your aims.

A yogi is someone who is not so much interested in being "right" as he/she is interested in being "free". One can (and many do) justify violence from a perspective of being right: If someone has hurt you, you can feel justified in retaliating, lashing out. Or when someone drives a plane into the World Trade Center, you, along with most Americans, may feel completely justified in engaging in some type of revenge. When push comes to shove, habits are hard to break ..and so the world goes round and round and round... In Sanskrit this is referred to as the wheel of samsara, which literally means same (sam) suffering (sara) over and over again. A yogi is someone who is committed to moksha, which is freedom from this cycle of karma. One starts out on that journey to liberation by ceasing to react to outer symptoms and instead directing one's actions toward discovering the causes of the obstacles to freedom.

The author Gregory David Roberts spent time in India locked up in one of the worst prisons in the world, notorious for its filthy conditions and violent sadistic brutality inflicted upon its incarcerated prisoners. From his experiences, he wrote the book Shantaram (a Sanskrit word meaning "man of peace"), which begins:
"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn't sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life."

If your goal is to perpetuate more violence, then by all means react to violence with more violence, and you will see it will work every time.

But if you have another aim in mind --for instance peace or liberation-- then your strategy must be more radical, as it must address the root cause of the issue. You must ask yourself what actions would result in peace? You must plant the best seeds to achieve your goals. If you want to eat apple pie, you don't start by planting a pumpkin seed. You must create the kind of karmas that are "good" for achieving your desired result. And if you are still living in a time-bound reality, you must be patient, as there really is no such thing as instant karma; seeds take time to grow. Martin Luther King, Jr., said: "The non-violent approach does not immediately change the heart of the oppressor. It first does something to the hearts and souls of those committed to it. It gives them new self-respect; it calls up resources of strength and courage that they did not know they had. Finally it reaches the opponent and so stirs his conscience that reconciliation becomes a reality."

When in the throes of symptoms, one easily feels like a victim and can think that the violence is being inflicted upon them. At that time it is difficult to reflect on possible causes, much less to calmly act from a causal place. Most of us react to symptoms, not to causes, and in doing so perpetuate the very things we want to be rid of. We attack the common cold with medicines that get rid of the symptoms, but does the cold go away? We view diseases like cancer and heart disease in a similar way by fighting the symptoms of the disease but not addressing the causes of the disease. We say we want an end to terrorism, but how many of us are willing to look in the mirror and see where we ourselves may be contributing to terrorism? We say we want peace, but are we willing to live peacefully?

It is common practice for generals, soldiers, presidents, murderers, slaughterhouse workers, vivisectionists, and meat eaters to justify violence by rationalizing that it will bring about something good in the end. Many who perpetuate violence against animals say, yes, it is evil, but it is a necessary evil. Necessary for what? When is evil ever really necessary? Can we truly afford its consequences? The fact is that violence only brings more violence.

In the example from Gregory David Robert's experience in prison, he could not physically run away from his oppressors, because he was chained to a prison wall, but he could have reacted with violence by thinking violent thoughts about his tormentors, which is what most "normal" people would have done under the circumstances. Instead he realized that if he really wanted to change the course of his life and be free of violence, he had to make the first move toward that freedom. He addressed the root cause, not the symptom. He did this by first acknowledging the subtle violence within his own mind, and then he refused to allow the thought of violence to grow. He used magical means to shift his perception of violence as coming from outside of himself to recognizing it within himself. He then courageously turned the situation upside down by mentally/psychically showering his tormentors with forgiveness; meeting violence with compassion. With this action he freed himself; no longer did he see himself in the role of the victim. He became the master of his circumstances through changing his perception of where things were coming from. -Sharon Gannon

I love my life!!!

2009-05-01T18:14:00.001-07:00

I really do! I have just had one of the best days of my life. "Why" you ask? Well, let me tell you. There is this place here for artists, called Redux...not just local artists, they have big name artists come into town too...and I have been interested in their concept since I moved here. Because you can apply for a space inside this warehouse and be among all these other talented artists, just like I remember it being at Eichberg Hall....which I thought was a great work environment because it constantly challenges you and soothes you all at the same time...but anyway, I was looking at becoming a member for $40 a year and then I continued to look at their site and you can decided to basically donate money to support them and they have all these different tiers...and to make a long story short..I decided to donate some money to them for a few reasons.
1. I love the concept behind what they do and I believe in it, because it speaks to my condition
2. you get free stuff, like tickets to openings and events, t-shirts..whatever
3. They will post a link to my website on their website and also add me to all of their promotional material as a sponsor....hence, my first bit of advertising!!!! And at least this way, it's tax deductible and I believe it is money well spent.

Then this afternoon/evening was the Art walk. They have 4 of these a year...where all of the downtown galleries open up and "people come and go, talking of Michaelangelo." So I was going to see Ben Ham to talk to him about a photograph..but much my dismay he was unable to make it...so I was going to pack it up and go home...but I spent so much time getting dolled up that I thought, I should at least walk around and look at the other galleries. I really enjoyed it but felt strangely out of place, being by myself. There are some cities that are conducive to a woman walking by herself and doing things alone...like New York, but Charleston doesn't really have alot of that...which is ok.... I don't mind paving the way...but it's something that I am acutely aware of because it is constantly brought to my attention when I run into people..."who are you here with?" I guess my multi-faceted personality isn't enough to captivate them. :-)
But I am getting off subject. After a handful of galleries I decided to go to my favorite which is Robert Lange Gallery and wouldn't you know it, but Nathan Durfee was there with new artwork..and I found the perfect one for me...it's called "Socrates beside himself." It's so damn cute...It's a lion, sitting in a chair...painted by Durfee...and it also has a replica of one of Robert's paintings, painted by Robert, of a lion in the background. I fell in love immediately. I spoke to Nathan and Meagan about the painting...told him he needed to sign it for me. He gave me a hug he was so excited. Now did I really need to buy this....No. But, It spoke to me..and I would rather have art work than jewelry and flowers and chocolate and well...I am "planting my own garden and decorating my own soul...instead of waiting on someone else to bring me flowers."

From there, I stopped into McCrady's to say hello to everyone.And there is this girl named Jessica that works there and her house just burnt down last week. It seems her roommates had too many curling irons plugged in and/or left on, in a really old Charleston house...so when I heard about it, I packed up some clothes that I was holding onto for when I get skinny enough again, for Ben to take to her.... and I was glad to hear that she was able to use it. So since I was still feeling so good about myself, and not ready to go home at 7pm on friday night...I decided to go give FIG another try.

I sat at the bar and ended up getting in two different, yet equally interesting conversations. To my right was a couple who was in town from Asheville. To my left, was two young woman enjoying an evening out on the town. I had a wonderful grouper with artichokes, peas, carrots, and a dab of truffled potatoes, which was actually pretty good. And as I was sitting there talking with the couple they were asking me what I did for work...so I gave them the low-down on my business and the man said that it didn't seem like a good time to be starting a business with the way the economy is right now...and something turned on in me, and I started selling myself. I told him it was the perfect time to do what I was doing...because there is more regular everyday people who are going to want to redecorate or remodel a little, since they can't afford to buy new right now...and who better to help them, but me? I don't have the overhead of a retail space or furniture that I need to pay for and therefor add into my cost...I just want to do what I love to do and make enough money to pay my bills and maybe put a little away for a rainy day. I want to offer my services at a fair rate...nothing exuberant or outlandish..I'll still shop at TJ Max to keep overhead down...so when faced with the doubt of someone else...I stuck up for myself, and it was no bullshit. I realized that I believe in me and what I am trying to do...and that is more rewarding that just about anything...So I am going to hang in there and be the tortoise, run the marathon, and be happy along the way. And just to make my night even sweeter, the woman sitting to my left, Debbie, ended up asking for my business card and telling me how perfectly her day was unfolding, because the type of people she needed just kept falling into her lap today...and she wants to hire me to help her redecorate her home!

And I was still home by 9pm...it's amazing how my weekends have changed. I will be in bed before midnight...smiling like I just made a wad of dough or even got lucky!" Because I will and I did!

Buffet

2009-04-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

"We want you to enjoy the contrasting experience, just like you enjoy the contrasting buffet. And we want you to reach the place (and practicing Virtual Reality will help you to gain this confidence) that whenever you're in front of a buffet that has so much that you do like to eat, as well as some that you don't like to eat, you don't feel frustrated that there are things there you don't want to eat. You don't feel compelled to put them on your plate and eat them; you just pick the things that you like. And the Universe of thought is the same way. You can choose from it the things that you like."

I wonder if it is truly that simple? Choosing the thoughts that I like..and discarding the rest. Today I was having thoughts of fear...I was worried about my mom,dad, and brother all on I-95 driving the motor coach, truck, boat...and these things are big rigs...and the possible traffic accidents that were playing in my mind were scaring the crap out of me (side note-I did not get to yoga today) so my mind is racing and I am worrying about them, and I realize that there is nothing I can do...but let go. So I stopped drying my hair and called them, just to say that i was thinking of them and I love them. I realized, this is all I can do. I can't stop bad accidents, health issues or anything...but I can let them know I was thinking of them, that I love them...and then, I have let go. So I did, and I did.

After, I went to the Center for Women purse auction fundraiser. My friend with Habitat for Humanity invited me to come along with her and her friend. I thought it would be a great event to pass out cards and meet people. It didn't quite work that way, but I am still glad that I went. I am disappointed in myself for eating the finger food..but, it's done so i am going to not beat myself up about it. It's just empty calories..and I don't need those anymore. I am trying to look at food as fuel. ..at least for a majority of my eating. If it isn't packed with vitamins that I need, then I don't want to eat it. I know there will be times that I eat just for the pure enjoyment of eating, but I can't do that all the time. That isn't to say that i can't enjoy the food that is good for me, but its not about that on a daily basis.
Needless to say, I am paying for it with heartburn...which I used to get alot...but since I have pretty much ceased my drinking, and really changed my diet, I haven't gotten heartburn in probably 4 months.

I am completely hooked on wanting be healthier. I feel better, I know I have to look better, but most importantly, I feel lighter, happier. And i know it isn't just the yoga, or the choice to get out a bad work environment, it's being aware of everything and realizing that it is all a choice. I can choose to do whatever I want to my body; alcohol,cigarettes, little to no exercise, eat food with no nutritional value..... but i don't want to pay the price anymore. I love waking up and feeling good.

I got used to waking up and feeling bad and just thinking it was part of getting older, that it was normal...and I accepted it because everyone else feels the same way. But if we look at what we do to our bodies on a daily basis, it's no wonder we feel like crap. I am obviously older now than I was a year ago, but I feel younger today. Now, It is a rare occurrence for me to wake up with any ache or pain. and If I do, I take the time to figure out why so that I don't repeat it over and over. I don't even sleep with my mouth guard anymore and my jaw doesn't hurt like it used to...nothing does.

So I know, I used to say it is hard to give up _________. Cigarettes and wine was that for me...but it's not. I know that I can drink and smoke if I want, but I am going to feel like shit for at least 2 days...and well, I just really don't want to waste 2 days of my life right now. I am sure I will again at some point, but I won't be living an existence of being "Comfortably Numb." Which is where I was.
Now I experience all of it like its new....and I realize how lucky I am to be able to experience it...and I try to not take any of it for granted.

End of the month

2009-04-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

You Are Who You Are, Not What You Do
Becoming Your Wrong Decisions

"Our perception of the tra its and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. As a result it is easy to identify so strongly with a decision that has resulted in unexpected negative consequences that we actually become that "wrong" decision. The disappointment and shame we feel when we make what we perceive as a mistake grows until it becomes a dominant part of our identities. We rationalize our "poor" decisions by labeling ourselves incompetent decision-makers. However, your true identity cannot be defined by your choices. Your essence—what makes you a unique entity—exists independently of your decision-making process.

There are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to your development and are an integral part of your evolving existence yet they are still separate from the self. A decision that does not result in its intended outcome is in no way an illustration of character. Still, it can have dire effects on our ability to trust ourselves and our self-esteem. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a "bad decision" was just an experience, and next time you can choose differently. Try to avoid lingering in the past and mulling over the circumstances that led to your perceived error in judgment. Instead, adapt to the new circumstances you must face by considering how you can use your intelligence, inner str ength, and intuition to aid you in moving forward more mindfully. Try not to entirely avoid thinking about the choices you have made, but reflect on the consequences of your decision from a rational rather than an emotional standpoint. Strive to under! stand why you made the choice you did, forgive yourself, and then move forward.

A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human."

I should have read this years ago....I punished myself for so long...for breaking off an engagement, moving to New York, hurting people that I love....I didn't understand. I couldn't forgive myself for being "simply human.." Where I came up with these high standards for myself.....well, is probably my parents. And I am so very grateful for that...but now that I am not a child, I realize that it is natural to be human, to make mistakes, to hurt people, to be hurt...it's all part of this wonderful experience of being human..being alive.

I imagine that is why so many movies & books say that the angels are jealous of us humans....we get to taste, hear, see, smell, feel....we take them for granted everyday. Imagine one taste that you love...a sound that makes your heart grow...a sight that is so beautiful, you wish you could capture it and carry it with you...and feeling of love for another being, so great that it makes you cry with joy! To be alive and aware is such a gift. And there are no promises of anything....and I think that is why we are human beings get so upset and disappointed...because we expect certain things and we expect them to be and act a certain way...we expect life, people and event to "act accordingly" yet we never ask...who set up these terms and conditions? Who wrote these rules that I am choosing to live by? To me, it's absurd. We expect people to know and understand us, yet we do not take the time to know and understand ourselves. We are constantly moving...but it's like being on a stationary bike or treadmill...you don't really go anywhere. We have expectations of ourselves and others because it makes us feel better.

I have fallen victim to this for most of my life. And I do not want to any longer. I understand that it means I will be adhering to another set of rules than the majority plays by, but I embrace that. I know that the other way is safer...I mean the rules are already in place and most people know what they are....but It doesn't really fit into what I believe so, why do i wish to obey?

On a side note, I am so grateful for everything and everyone in my life. For absolutely every single thing that has happened...good and bad. Because I have learned so much about myself and others through that. And all of those events have led to now...and I love NOW. I appreciate NOW. Just as it is...even thought where i am is not clearly defined and I have no idea how my life is going to go or how things will work out....I am still happy and grateful.

I am also very grateful for my yoga class last night. It filled me up and wore me out so much that I was passed out by 11:30 and I didn't move until 9:30 this morning. And anyone who has ever slept in a bed with me knows that I toss and turn alot...but last night, I know I didn't. It was much needed rest.

Today I feel alive, and ready to take on whatever comes my way. I have been receiving so much support and great feedback about my honeyedew business. I am hopeful of all the possibilities. The idea of finally being my own boss and being able learn so many new things and meet so many new people at the same time. It's exciting! For so long I wasn't enjoying the journey of this gift...of being human...and I realize now, how sad it is that I was taking it for granted..I am just glad something inside of me woke up, turned on....and didn't run away.

Thought for the day

2009-04-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

Love and appreciation are identical vibrations. Appreciation is the vibration of alignment with who-you-are.Appreciation is the absence of everything that feels bad and the presence of everything that feels good. When you focus upon what you want - ;when you tell the story of how you want your life to be - you will come closer and closer to the vicinity of appreciation, and when you reach it, it will pull you toward all things that you consider to be good in a very powerful way.

Excerpted from the book "Money and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Health, Wealth and Happiness"

Thank you, Ker-bear!

Lists of 10

2009-04-26T21:44:00.001-07:00

Decalogue for Life

From my friend, Ted Behling

1. No one will ever get out of this world alive. Resolve therefore to make use of every minute of every day, either productively or restfully.

2. Good mental health is as important as your physical well-being. Exercise your brain at least as often as your body. It is the surest way to build its creative power.

3. Be true to yourself, your values and principles. Avoid following paths that were chosen by others, unless you have given it as much thought as the originator.

4. In matters of the heart, be cautious of someone who expresses immediate abundant enthusiasm. Allow at *least* a year of frequent contact under all situations before seriously entangling your emotional and financial life. Ask good friends for their opinions on your intended mate, listen, and heed their advice.

5. Avoid weak, negative, and vacillating persons. They will only undermine your inner power and hold you back from achieving your full potential.

6. Learn the art of risk-taking and avoid getting stuck in a "safe circle". Your ability to learn and do things is far beyond what seems to be true.

7. Resolve to listen more and to talk less. But not longer than your realization that they don't know what they are talking about.

8. Be willing to give advice to those who could gain from it. But don't expect them to follow it, or even to express thanks.

9. Resolve to be a good teacher to the young, a responsible caretaker for the aged, and encouraging to the weak and poor. Sometime in life you will have been all of these.

10. Do not equate money with success. But learn the myriad of methods for using money wisely to help you to achieve your lofty goals, compatible with your values and principles.

The next 10 are from Thomas Jefferson;

Thomas Jefferson's Decalogue
1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day.
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have it.
4. Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
5. Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold.
6. We never repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened.
9. Take things always by their smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

turning inward

2009-04-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

It's a completely beautiful day....and I can feel the sunshine. It's a bit of a struggle because i feel so physically puny...but I have to remember to now judge that, and just let it be. Give in to it. I know I should be more productive outside on a such a glorious day, but I just want to rest..so maybe I will focus on just "being" today...not doing.

While I am doing this, i am trying to figure out what it is that want to do. I mean, I know I want to do my honeydew business, but what else do I want to do. To bring money in, you know to pay the bills. And I think of a quote that is on Ker-bear's website of what would you do if you had a money and didn't need it. I would still want to be making peoples lives a little better...not just a little tidier or more organized, and not just more aesthetically pleasing...all of which i think is important. But I would want to have a place, that people could come into and look around at books that have helped me, music that inspires me, art that moves me, I would also want it to be where they could buy better stuff. Better made, better ingredients, could even do the "local" pull.... Somewhere people would come to pick-up, drop-off, and exchange great ideas, better ways to do things. Simpler, easier, more affordable...more conscious...and they stay for a while, share with each other.

Now how do that I make that into something that is tangible, that makes me money, without raping the consumer? That's what I think about today.

it's that time again.

2009-04-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

I can always tell when it's close to that time that a "friend" or mine is going to visit...I get this ache in my lower back, left hand side...and my general disposition isn't as sunny...as the days progess, I become increasingly more tired...and therefor a little more irritable towards, well, everything. I am trying to understand why this occurrence happens to me in the way that it does every month...but until I get that figured out.....just know that what I am about to dispense is what happens when you feed the other wolf. (see previous entry)

It's a beautiful day...yet I couldn't muster up the energy to pull myself out of bed early enough this morning to go do yoga...even though i absolutely love it, and know that It would make me feel better. I did have a wonderful meeting today about a possible business venture, but now instead thinking about all the exciting possibilities, I am thinking about everything that could go wrong. I mean, what I do i know about running a business, having employees, what if the bottom drops out of the sky???and I know these are not my real voices...these are the voices of fear. These are the voices of doom and gloom...some of it comes from listening to my parents who have years of experience running several different types of businesses, and have been very successful...but they have also failed at a few and they have been cheated, lied to, stabbed in the back by friends...and they hold on to these terrible things that have happened to them like scars that are bad. But the way I see it, they didn't fail...because they tried. And every time they got knocked down...they got back up...and they had to start somewhere, and no one is going to get it 100% right, 100% of the time...so what am I so afraid of? That I will get in over my head...or that I may fail at it....or is it that i will disappoint them? Let them down...that someone will be abel to say to me that I should have known better...should have seen it coming, if something bad does happen....I should have been better prepared. It's like having scars...when people have them, they want to tell you how to keep from getting one just like it...because they want to protect you.

I guess because I have had some sort of a scar for as long as I could remember, I haven't seem them as bad things. I had nothing to do with my first one. My heart surgery at 4.5 was really scary for my parents but for me, it was always a cool thing...I mean I was physically self conscious of it at times...but for the most part I was always like "see i am meant to be here"....I mean, if I wasn't meant to be here on this earth, to do something special, there have been plenty of occurrences that could have easily taken me out. Maybe that is where the general sunny disposition comes from or maybe it's that, living the alternative... like the glass is half empty just depresses the shit out of me...and I don't think that is any way to live at all. If that is what someone chooses to do, by all means...but life is too damn short to be pissed of and afraid all of the time. I don't want to stop what is coming.

But I get it...I mean, I think I am an attractive person...yet here I am on a friday night, in a dress none-the less, writing into the great abyss...and I could tell myself that I am just not attractive enough for someone to want to ask me out, or marry me, or grow old & have babies with or any of that other stuff...and, "what's wrong with me?" that I don't have a great job that I love and make so much money at, I mean, I am a smart girl..."WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???" I do think these things...but even as I write them, I realize how ridiculous and pathetic all this self loathing sounds. If I wanted to, I could be out at the bars, I am sure I could find some guy who is interested in buying me a drink, taking me home, being my boyfriend, hell, one of them may even want to marry me and have babies...but the question is, would I really want to do any of these things with them? It is possible....but, Maybe I sit here by choice....because when I have done things like that in the past, they did give me moments of pleasure or a boost in confidence, or whatever...but it's fleeting. And since I have "been there done that," I don't want fleeting anymore. I want genuine.

Genuine friendships, experiences, moments...you name it...and I genuinely feel like poop tonight...so maybe I will allow myself to be okay with the fact that I just want to go put on some sweats and curl up on the couch and do nothing tonight. It isn't productive, it won't solve the worlds problems, or even mine for that matter...but it is me being kind to myself. It is me giving myself the break that I would give to anyone I love....so, maybe that's a start. and maybe I won't feed that other wolf after all. Let the F@cker starve to death. :-)

My favorite

2009-04-23T08:14:00.001-07:00

An Elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me...it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every person, too."

The thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied...."The one you feed."

I have read this at least a hundred times...but it resounds more with me now...because i understand that I fed the first one for a really long time...and because of that, I was sad, and depressed and afraid, all the time. On top of that, I held on really tightly to life, and the way I thought "things should be" or how people "should act" and it consumed me. My unhappiness was consuming me.....one self destructive act at a time.

Now that I feed the second wolf, I couldn't be happier, to just be alive. I honestly understand the cliche of look at what you have, instead of what you do not. And I am not going to compare myself to anyone else, because I know I will receive all of my hearts desires in this lifetime, and then some....I already have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams...so instead of worrying about "what next" I am just going to wake up, be happy, and keep my eyes open. All the beauty and love I need is here, now.

On a side note, since I have stopped smoking, I can breathe so much deeper, it's amazing. I know my lungs will continue to open and expand, but I really just can't believe I convinced myself to smoke. I enjoyed the act, but it isn't worth the price i was paying. Some people can smoke a pack and not smoke again for months or years, my girl Keri can do that and I am amazed...she doesn't get addicted. But I have to say, Keri doesn't have an addictive personality, whereas, I know, I did...or do, or both.

God is in the details

2009-04-22T13:05:00.001-07:00

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind- Einstein

homestretch

2009-04-21T07:41:00.000-07:00

That's what my b-ball coach would yell at us on our last lap "pick it up, ladies...you're in the homestretch!" I feel that way about my honeydew website. I feel as though I have been working on it for years...but I know the end product will be worth it.

On a side note, I had been looking for a small table to use for my meditation altar...and it was right under my nose the whole time. So yesterday afternoon, while more pictures were uploading to the site, I cleaned it off, rearrange my stuff, and made my own little quiet space. I have not been very good with meditation..it's hard for my mind to quiet down, but it's really something that I would like to do everyday. I believe that it allows you to see in to that other part of yourself, your subconscious....to tap into that other 90% of the brain.

When I went to the lecture on Carl Jung sunday night, Sharon spoke of Dreams. And how we have this un-tapped resource available to us, every night and we rarely if ever use it. I have always had very interesting and vivid dreams...I have not been remembering them as well as of recently...but I am going to try and pay closer attention to them. Her suggestion is to not wake up to an alarm clock...to just allow yourself to wake up naturally and then write down everything you can remember, even if it seems insignificant to you, write it down. I guess I will have to do that first and then turn on Krishna Das. I like to wake up to his voice in the morning. If God has a voice, i would imagine it sounds like his.

random thoughts

2009-04-18T11:10:00.001-07:00

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. -Einstien

I feel like that sometimes...not that i am comparing my wits to his...but I understand what he means. That is how i have always felt....insatiably curious. Mostly about what moves people. Why do we act & respond the way that we do, what moves someone vs. someone else, or me?

Acceptance, love, warmth, kindness, joy, pride, ego, money, power, anger, and everything in between. What moves me and someone else can be very similar or very different. Even if you are after the same goal, the roads in which we take to get there can be as diverse as day and night or they may run parallel.

If we weren't brought up to believe that what we had to do was get married, make money, reproduce children, have a mid-life crisis, etc....I wonder what would we do. If their were "no lines" to draw inside of , so to speak. How differently would we live? Would we still search out the same lifestyles?

What is it that makes up fight so hard against our parents for our independence and freedom when we are young, only to turn around and surrender so easily to someone else or something else? What keeps us from continuing to believe in ourselves and the will to stand alone...even if you are by someone?

what a day!

2009-04-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

What started out as a stressful day has come back around and ended beautifully. I felt lost and helpless this morning...and I made myself go to yoga....I was on the edge of tears the whole time...but the class was like one great big hug. I did notice one thing about myself though, when the teacher came around to adjust me in my posture I was able to extend further, but the moment she let go of me, i lost my balance. I realized this doesn't seem to happen with other students...so I wonder what is it about me that doesn't know how to accept a helping hand without leaning into them too much? Like a literal crutch...and the moment they step away, I fall.

But because i was still sad, I decided I needed to get food but I didn't want to eat something bad for me...for fear of replacing smoking with over-eating...so I went to Sprout and got a veggie burger...it was strange, but very good actually. After that I decided to just drive...and i ended up at Target. But I also decided I didn't want to end up doing retail therapy...so i only allowed myself to buy the headband I needed to replace, listerine and drano. Stick to necessities I told myself. :-) But I did wander around for hours...just checking out inventory, prices and looking at things that could go together well and seeing how much it would cost to set up a room a certain way.

I just wasn't ready to go home....but i did finally. And my friend julie called...and was kind enough to get me to shower and go out with her for some food. We went to Blind tiger for mussels and fries then she took me to Gene's for my first time! I saw Georgie-Porgie puddin' pie as soon as we walked up, and eventually through our conversation he gave me so great business insight. Then, I met some of Julie's friends and when we went to leave, I ran into Christy and Randolph...which made my night. They invited us to come to their farm on sunday and I am so excited! I need to get my mom to show me how to jar tomatoes ....and I need to get a corn creamer. Nothing could taste better than her rice and tomatoes and homemade creamed corn.

So, things work out for the best...I just have to trust in the universe. I don't know what...but something will come soon.

anxiety

2009-04-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

It builds for no reason other than the fearful thoughts and scenarios that run through my head....I know I have the power to stop it....so I breath in...deeply. Hold it...until I can't hold it anymore...then I exhale....I do this a couple of times and I can quiet the negative nancies in my head.

So i am going to go out into the world today and keep this quote with me....

"The difference between what we do, and what we are capable of doing, would solve most of the

the world's problems."

-Mahatma Gandhi

What a difference he made. namaste

Grateful

2009-04-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

I am having the most amazing day...I am still in the process of building my honeydew website, and I finally figured out how to create a hyperlink....it's amazing what you can do when you stop allowing yourself to run from your fears....I was afraid I couldn't do it...so I kept procrastinating. I didn't want to get back on the computer....for fear of failure again.. It's funny how fear/ego/pride controls what we do and don't do.

So since, I accomplished something...and I don't smoke anymore, I decided to reward myself by walking down to this coffee shop that I love, and would love to own someday. I have always liked coffee and coffee shops thanks to SCAD, EX Libris,& Gallery Espresso in Savannah. I loved all the rotating art work, the books, and the wide variety of people that you would see, sitting, eating, working on the computer, hunting...the energy is just electric. Great coffee shops are the type of place that allows you to "color outside the lines." The rules aren't apparent, and don't really need to be.

So, I had myself my very first vegan wrap....just thought I would try it, and i was actually good.A little on the bland side at first, but truthfully half way through it, I found I could taste everything; The wheat in the tortilla, the green peppers...and whatever the vegan substitute was that looked like ground beef.

Then I walked back home...smiling at the beautiful sky and reminding myself how lucky I am...how great the universe has been to me. How it has given me all of my hopes, dreams, and desires...I mean, not without a little effort on my part, but I wouldn't want it any other way...and it just feels good. We always get afraid that life isn't going to give us what we want, so we get anxious and doubt, and criticize...basically send out negative energy...but how can it, if we don't trust, don't believe, and put ourselves out there....and try,if nothing else, to be positive. To do no harm, to ourself or others.

I feel a little guilty because this is the least I have worked in my life...yet, I have feeling that life is giving this little "breathing room" gift to me, to get my priorities in order, so that when I am busy again, things will flow much smoother than before. And I am for the first time in a long time, not spending it by screwing around, getting drunk, watching tv, using retail therapy, or just basically screwing off and being counter-productive.I am spending my days balancing my own personal work,reading,trying a new yoga,going through old stuff to throw or give away, volunteering, and fixing things around my house.I am so grateful for all of this. I am truly lucky...is everything perfect in my life....no. I still have unfilled wants and desires But it isn't anything worth complaining about because, I believe it is coming. I have more at 31 than I could have imagined..and as long as I do my part, I know I will say the same at 41, 51, & 81.I believe,I believe, I believe!

On on the days that I doubt it...I will just have to fake it till make it. :-)

Jivamukti Yoga

2009-04-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

So I am in the process of trying out Jivamukti yoga here in Chuck-town. For those of you who do not know, let me tell you what my PERCEPTION of them has been for years; Too strict of a yoga for me to try...I mean, they don't eat meat for one, and I don't think cheese, or chocolate for that matter...and definitely not french fries...I mean who can live without french fries....I laugh as I type this because I know, it's scary. It's scary to try something so different, especially when the world you grew up in would look at these people as being in a cult or unhealthy, or "they can't possibly be happy, I mean, they must me a little, you know, off, crazy, something. But my yoga practice is getting stronger, and I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin...so with a little nudge from my friend Rachel, decided to sign up for the free week.

Last night I went to Andrea's class and tonight I went to Jeffrey's. I will write more on it later...but it has been truly an amazing experience. I am here to say that from what I see, they are very happy, and healthy, and all around good people....they are even funny. I am afraid that by the end of my week, I will be looking for "the juice."

From "The Little Big Book of Life"

2009-04-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

"When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found i couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town, and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that If long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.

My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world."

Unknown monk, A.D. 1100

Greg's massage room

2009-04-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

From the Jiva bathroom...xoy to K

2009-04-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Every woman should...

know how to use a stick shift;

a plunger;

understand the difference between

don't tell a soul and

don't tell a soul I mean it;

know her mind; change it;

have protection handy;

but not too handy;

use special china;

and special underwear

for no special reason;

over commit; come through;

refuse to do it again; do it again;

be able to discuss first and ten;

have better things to do;

set boundaries; go camping;

grow something; dance crazy all alone;

stare at a phone;

get dressed in five minutes;

be a princess; get over it;

believe in the perfect man;

get over it; read; walk; flirt;

shock; listen; sing; thank God;

be single and like it; a lot;

raise a child; or not;

see a wrinkle and be reminded

of her youth; not her age.

New Adventures

2009-04-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

This one is a Coffee shop. I have been looking for ways to be my own boss, create my own happiness, wealth, income, peace, etc. I guess you can say, I have finally started to believe in me and my own capabilities...at least more than before. So, this coffee shop that is for sale...I laid awake last night dreaming about what I would call it...what the space would look like, the options that I could offer, the people that I could meet, the smile on my face even if I was completely exhausted....and all of this excites me so much. I don't know if I will get this, but I know that I am on the road to finding that little space for me.

The really amazing thing is I just got off the phone with my brother, and I shouldn't be suprised, but he is so grown up, so smart yet still, so sweet...and I just feel so lucky to be able to call him and ask him for guidance and I feel good in knowing, he will give it to me straight without strings attached.When it comes to finances, I would have to say that it isn't my forte, I don't believe that it is over my head, I just have a hard time forcing myself to concentrate when it comes to "upset potential" and "return on investment statements"...all of which I know, are very important, but it makes my eyes squint just typing about it...so, I know I am lucky to have him to turn to for these types of things.

How it all started...

2009-04-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

I was looking for a way to document my life...not necessarily for anyone else, but for me. My soul-girl Kerilyn has done it for years, and I think that it is so brave of her to put herself "out there" so openly, vulnerably.

As you can read above, I am going to use this site, as my Glyph...I have an ever-changing idea of what I want my life to look like or be vs what I see it to be and what It really is...but I am working to find an ideal balance of the emotional,spiritual,& earthly elements of my life. This blog is to document my progress...hold witness to myself. So that, when I get to that place in time, I will be able to look back and see into my fluctuations & transitions, honestly; Not a cleaned-up, dusted off, sugar-drizzled re-interpretation of my travels.I want to be raw and compassionate with myself, and others. No more running, hiding, or lying. I want to be Courageous....like the Lion in The Wizard of Oz.

If nothing else, this is to show me that life is only as easy or as hard, as I make it. Like everything, it's all in my head. It's my perception to believe or to change. Reality is what I make it. The only limitations are the ones I give myself.

Namaste